Cave Draconis Dormiens
by LainBay
Summary: Relena is tired of being stuck in a rut, Heero is hopeless, and Duo is determined. Add in hijinks with the rest of the gundam crew, and utter insanity ensues! Eventual slowly developing 1x2, 3x4, RxOC.
1. Chapter 1

_This fiction is inspired by the works of Dyna Dee and Krackensan...as well as others I'll mention as I go along..._

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS**

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_Exerpt from personal database of Relena Darlian, formerly Peacecraft._

Let me tell you, being the former queen of the world is no picnic. First, there's the endless sucking face, (that's Duo's term for being polite at parties) the celebration parties, teas, luncheons, meetings, public speeches, appearances, opening galas, champagne brunches, Senate hearings, addresses to the United World council, trade conferences, hearings, Sanq holiday events and, of course, did I mention the parties? Duo seems to think that it's a bigger endless waltz (drunken, if you're not careful at the champagne galas) than any war. I tend to agree with him.

Which is why I'm always careful to only nurse one drink per party, and take tiny fake-sips to avoid being a complete lush. In other words, not drink at all. Duo is of the opinion that if I did "get wasted once in a while, people'd expect a lot less of you, 'Lena." A fun idea, but just not feasible if I want to keep my job, and reputation intact. And while this may seem terribly pragmatic to you, I rather like being a force for peaceful, pacifist, and cooperative change in the world. Thus, I'll keep my job, no matter how insane it makes me, thanks.

With all that, and the fact that there's no possibility for a private life, nor a social life outside the sphere of politics makes mine a rather skewed reality. It's all politics, politics, politics, and I'm the voodoo doll for the world to poke at. Really, I pity the famous music and vid stars who choose this life. I think I was mostly just thrust into it (and no, Duo, do NOT even think about inserting that dirty joke there) in my more pessimistic, frustrated moments. Like now, today. Like everyday.

Heero, of course, doesn't say more to this than "Hn" when I wh—no, complain about it. That, and glare a lot. Reaaal helpful. You'd think a man that out of touch with his fun side would be a repressed pervert or something…I'm just hoping he figures out if he's an asexual sea-cucumber or space alien or _**what**_ in the next few years, since he hasn't in the past. But really, this is not about Heero, is it? I'll come back to him later.

Really, is it so much to ask for a nice guy and a little romance? I'm 21 years old (finally), Vice Minister of Foreign Affairs, which is a nice title for general poster child of the peace revolution, buttonholed as the "princess of pink"—which I really started to hate a few years ago after I outgrew it, and grew a brainstem—which included stopping harassing Heero….and, of course, the media's darling.

I DO love my job, of course—who wouldn't? There's just so much good I can personally influence to make sure that Earth and the Colonies remain peaceful and work together to build their future. Unfortunately, all work and no fun means Relena is a dull, dull girl. Usually, I can call Duo for a pick-me-up vid session, but lately, with my other friends ( the other pilots, Sally, Noin and Une) or Dorothy I just can't seem to get excited about all that I've accomplished. I'm stuck in a rut, and don't know HOW to pull myself out, if I even can be salvaged. What a depressing thought.

And I HAVE accomplished a lot with a lot of help from others; peace (though occasionally fraught with peril and assassination attempts that thanks to Heero never make it to the actualization phase), pardons for the anonymous (except for poor Heero—he's infamous) pilots who actually won us the wars and subsequent peace, a working revitalization plan for the L2 and L4 clusters (Quatre was the mastermind and push behind that one, all I had to do was throw my name around and "bully" people—Maxwell style, so that they were champing at the bit to help)…. Sometimes I wonder if I'm burning the candle of my life at both ends, eventually ending up as "that spinster ex-princess with too many cats."

I don't WANT that, but if I could even manage to keep a _cactus_ alive, let alone a cat, I would. Don't get me started on "Muffy"—the cactus that Duo found and left me after the last time he snuck in to visit me and cheer me up…He just loves to chafe Heero with his stealth skills and get threatened with death, or other words, "Omae o korosu," when Heero finally detects his infiltration. Muffy has a rather dangerous life, only getting watered when I remember, and usually at the point of death many times. I know, I know, it's almost impossible to kill a cactus, but somehow I manage to get pretty close. What I really need is one of those pet rocks or something—impossible to kill. The saddest part is that Muffy resides on my desk, the only living thing in an island of dead smashed tree guts (paperwork, how I hate thee). Yep, pretty sad. (Oh God, I said yep—Duo, you terrible influence!) The worst part is, I think Duo knows how bad Muffy has it, and jokingly asks after it every time he calls. My standard response for how it's doing seems to be "mostly dead, but not quite. It'll be glad you cared to know." Sad, sad, sad.

That said, I'll put it simply: I NEED A MAN. And a life. SOMETHING.

Otherwise, I'm going to drown in this pink, frothy, lacy hell that my life has become. Maybe I need a vacation. Or a bottle of vodka straight up. I'll take either at this point….desperation, thy name is Relena….

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Review? Encouragement (reviews longer than a sentence, please) will prompt me to post more chapters/updates.

Cheers!


	2. Chapter 2

Alright! As you all know, my story is called _Cave Draconis Dormiens_, which, roughly translated, means "Beware of Sleeping Dragons." In this case, beware of what might slumber between the unwary hearts of the characters of Gundam Wing/After Colony... Ha! Suspenseful enough for you?

In other news, thank you my reviewers….here is another (gasp) un-Beta'd chapter for you to enjoy…Beta'd versons will be up soon, I hope. PS: yay, Dyna read my last chapter!! dances around like an idiot Aaaand, with no further ado:

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS**

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_1800 hours, AC 205: L2 Colony. Duo Maxwell._

Y'know, living life in the black is not so bad. I mean, it coulda ended up pretty dire for little ol' me, street rat and space brat extraordinaire—I'm really lucky, yanno? I gotta great job, good friends, and a fun roommate. Hilde's pretty sweet—one of those girls you'd love to settle down with, white picket fence, 2.5 and all, yeah? Too bad for her, 'cause I'm sorta in love with somebody else. No luck for the wicked, or gods of death.

Anyway, she's got some guy (not good enough for her, 'course) wrapped around her finger here on L2 and me, well, I've got Preventers work (when I'm not goin' to school for my masters in mechanical engineering) and my partner and buddy Heero.

Yeah, so romance is just not happenin', but I'm mostly okay with that. 'Sides, the person I like may not even swing my way, so why take the risk and ruin a beautiful friendship when I can just sorta cruise along a-ok, no limbs missin' or nuthin'? Unless, of course, I manage to squish myself in this stupid mobile suit, disconnecting this damned rotor…

Ha! There we go. Right, I'm all set for the day—Howie'll take care of the rest. Oh, I didn't mention that, did I? Howie and the gang help me out with the salvaging part—I just lease a ship from them every once in a while for a job, and the Spacers gang gets to see me, earn some money, and just have a gang-bustin' good time. That, and then we haul it back ta the yard, fix 'er up or break it down, and sell it for a pretty neat profit.

'Tain't the most excitin' work in the 'verse, but it's close enough. Hell, puts a roof over my head, food on my table, and enough left over for extras like Uni tuition and travel…that and every once in a while, a long vid call with Quatre or Relena… Wufei and the others just seem to send me emails, except when we have our yearly get-togethers, which are usually planned by 'Lena and Dot or Quatre. (If the crazy eyebrow bitch chick ever found out I called her that, I would get run through just like Quatre—yikes!!) And, when I can, I'm savin' for my own "white picket fence"—y'know, a ship of my own. After all, I've already got all the pilot qualifications, right?

Now it's quittin' time, I think I'll stop and get groceries—forgot to last week, and Hilde had a shitfit. Real, honest-to-goodness lecture over responsibility and crap! Jeeze, I felt like I was five, y'know? Not like some badass Deathsythe Gundam pilot who helped save the world and win two wars, or could kick ass in a street fight any day of the week. 'Course, I woulda given anything to have someone lecture me like that back when I actually WAS five, but Solo an' the gang and I were so busy livin' hand-to-mouth that I never did. Even with Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, they knew I could take care of m'self, 'kay? I was in charge of other stuff then.

Anyway, groceries—it's nice to actually be able to afford real food, and not take the five-finger discount. I usually try to get some stuff that I can give away to hungry street kids on the way home—bein' hungry is about the worst thing in the world, and it never gets very warm out here on L2, so t'my way of thinkin', it's givin' something back just to feed and warm someone's belly. Got a real soft spot for the kids, y'know?

If I could, I'd give 'em all jobs at the scrapyard, but Her Majesty of Lectures'd have another crazy shitfit about labor laws or liability or somethin', so I do what I can…Quatre's revitalization plan helps a lot, now, with all the people here. 'Course, don't tell anyone, but I still gotta keep my 'discount' skills in practice, so sometimes I don't buy a lot of stuff, but I tip pretty good, and flirt good too. Never know when I'll need those skills, yanno?

I miss the orphanage. I visit once a year—mostly it just ensures that I'll have bad dreams after I go—nightmares and stuff. Still, they don't deserve to be forgotten, so I go every year and leave flowers or somethin'. I figure they kept me grounded, mostly, even when I was fighting in the war, I knew I wanted to make sure other street kids would never hafta fight like me, and would have a chance for a good life. Any way that I can provide it, it's a good thing. They wouldn't end up as flying fucked-up monsters of the damned, yeah? Sometimes my nightmares leave me lookin' like a raccoon gone bad. It ain't pretty, but que será, sera. Right?

Work with the Preventers helps too---I mostly only get called in for the special busts—the ones where only a gundam pilot (or two) could really handle the problem and get rid of the bad guys. Sorta like bein' a knight-in-shining-armor on a part-time basis. Heero's good at that sorta gig—J an' all his training and stuff, the horrible geezer—so I don't get called in to work often, but they usually stick me with him when I am. 01 and 02, back in black…well, at least it's not spandex and a green tank like during the wars!

It's tough though—like dangling a carrot in front of a starving rabbit. Quatre and Trowa have it pretty rough too—hard to be homosexual with an Islamic upbringing and no sort of upbringing at all. They manage pretty good for the CEO of one of the biggest companies in the Earth sphere and his unofficial bodyguard though—I bet all the time together is a good thing for them. They always were seemingly surgically attached at the hips, y'know? I think that sorta closeness would drive me nuts after a while, but at this point I'd settle for anything at all.

I feel pretty bad for 'Princess Pinky,' a.k.a.: 'Lena, actually. She's got it the hardest outta all of us—shit to do, morning, noon and night. I keep tellin' her she needs to knock a few back at one of her prissy parties and chill a little, but then that'd prolly cause a buncha scandals or somethin' and she wouldn't be able to do all the great stuff she gets accomplished with just a smile and a "Mr. Representative…" Okay, jokin' really, but the girl has no life, and is stuck with Mr. Anal-Retentive-Freudian-Crock Yuy all day…and no boyfriend or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with Heero, kay? He's just one of those strong, silent (emphasis on SILENT) types that would do anything for the mission. Sorta like Trowa, but that' dude's got freaky hair to go along with an evil sense of humor. And the mission just happens to be keepin' 'Lena safe---which means no boyfriend or suspicious characters, and no fun. At least he can be subverted a little after the wars—I can kidnap 'Lena once in a while with his assent and go for a joyride or somethin'…or just kidnap her paperwork and hold it hostage while she actually gets some sleep and food in her. Sucks to be her, y'know?

Don't even get me started on Heero. I know it ain't kosher or whatever to lust after your best friend, but hey, it's not like I can't be professional about it, right? I treat him the same as the rest of the guys…except for buggin' him a bit more. Guy needs to loosen up and pull the iron bar outta his ass, fo' sho'. 'Fei's the same way—but he's loosened up a little—mostly to make jokes at my expense. The lack of really bombastic justice rants is pretty nice too…mostly I think he just does them when I'm around to annoy, 'cause everyone else is of the opinion that he doesn't do 'em otherwise. That's the Wu-man….ironically irritating, just for yours truly. At least I managed to pull that stick outta his ass from the war—he was a pompous jerk then. He continually manages to surprise me, though.

But Heero, he's still a mystery—I dunno if he just tolerates us pilots or what, but I wish he'd give us all a hint. Emotions aren't ALL bad—they work for me! 'Lena says he's asexual or something—but I'm just hoping that he likes _someone_. That weird Japanese stoicism just pisses me off, y'know? I'm like a rabid ferret with a squeaky toy---determined to get that sucker to squeak, no matter what. Or smile. Have you seen his smiles? They're freakin' amazing---he pretty blue eyes just shine, and you wanna tackle-hug him until he can't breathe. He only pops 'em out really rarely though, so when I can get him to smile or laugh (really, his laughs are rarer still, mostly he just smirks) I feel like I've seen a unicorn. Awed, delighted, and so, SO lucky. Mostly you just see his smile reflected in his blue blue eyes—they sparkle a bit, and he smirks like there's no tomorrow.

Whew, really waxing lyrical there. Ahem. Anyway, now where's the fresh produce? Hilde wanted cucumbers for something or other…not that I wanna know why!

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Did anyone catch the Firefly reference? It's my Favorite tv show…too bad it's gone now. Thanks for reading, now please leave a review! Also, stand by for more confusion, obfuscations, mislead characters, mooning, whining and JOY from the GW characters…whom I don't own, but would like to someday. Cheers! 


	3. Chapter 3

Here's another Chapter….I got excited---so I'm posting it, even though my awesome Beta is still working away at the rest. Yes, I know that's a bit pre-emptive, but I can't help it. I'm excited about this story—or more accurately, playing around with all the characters. Good thing I don't own any of it, nor have to take responsibility for anything, isn't it?!!

Enjoy, thanks for reviewing!

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS**

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_2300 Hours, AC 205: Sanq Kingdom. Personal Database of Yuy, Heero_.

Vice Minister Darlian appears distracted and somewhat distraught after observing behavior of Senator Dickson and Spouse at tonight's dinner. Exact cause of upset unknown, will have to subtly extract information when target is unaware. Have noted increase in depressed or melancholic behavior in last six weeks, approximately.

Must consult Duo on extraction of needed information without delay—have noted he has better extraction and interaction skills with those of female gender. J had only equipped and prepared for military-style interactions and subterfuge operations. Where is braided baka when needed? Speculate that strange flirting, eye twitching and occasional reduced-grammar diction (Duo calls this "baby talk") may have caused unintentional emotional distress in Vice Minister. Follow up to be scheduled with two aforesaid subjects on limiting this harmful behavior in V.M.'s presence.

Have not heard from Duo for three weeks. Vice Minister has speculated that he has met someone after his last vidcast with her, prior to recent period of vid silence. V.M. stated he was "in love." Unfortunately no forthcoming data was obtained on object of 02's affections. Regrettable. Neither 03, 04, or 05 were able to shed any light on this development. 04 Was particularly evasive, citing some sort of "promise" to 02. Told 04 that to ensure mission success, all pertinent information must be available…

Quatre not helpful—must consult 03 in regards to making sure object of Duo's affections will not unduly influence 02's abilities or threaten current peace b/wn colonies and earth. Possible subjects include Zechs Merquise, Hilde Shbieker, Wufei Chang or unknown subject. Chang already has possible romantic entanglements with Po, Sally that may cause strife between the pilots if Duo is to proceed with mating affairs. Mating must occur with suitable candidates only, though has been know to happen on a one-night-basis with some due to lack of tenable partners and opportunity, according to J's training manuals.

Am not certain how far to consult these, as Duo seemed to think that 'love,' and synonymously, mating should just happen spontaneously, between partners that know and trust each other. Obviously, this would not have occurred under wartime conditions. Granted, homosexual relations do not result in viable offspring, but adoption is much more merited a practice in regards to preventing further overpopulation increases.

Manuals are not explicit on mechanics of homosexual relations and mating. Will consult resources on the 'Net and other contacts. Must investigate this to ensure that Duo's couplings are satisfactory, otherwise potential partner might have to be discarded. This could also cause critical destabilization amongst the pilots. Also, must ensure individual is acceptable to value systems of other pilots…

"Hello, Chang WuFei speaking. Please leave a message after the beep."

"Hn. 05, 01. More information needed in regards to a new mission. Respond at

your earliest convenience. 01 out."

"Hello? Heero, wait! …You still there?"

"…Hn…."

"Now, what was this mission, and what sort of information do you need?"

"Information is confidential. Is this line secured on your side?"

"Of course. Proceed, 01."

"Prior information indicates that you have had relationships with females in the

past. What are your qualifications for acceptable partners, and your opinion on

qualifications for other acquaintances?"

"…"

"…"

"Chang?"

"…Ah, Heero?"

"Affirmative."

"Did you just ask me about my relationships? Injustice! That is private

information! You would be better off consulting Quatre in this matter!!"

"Chang. Information has already been extracted from 04."

"…Oh. Well….I am currently seeing Dr. Po on a non-consistent basis. …and I'm

sure whomever you pick will be…um, fine. …Be sure that…eh… Duo approves

of them, hai? And the Vice Minister is usually quite good at measuring people up.

They are far more reliable sources than I….in this matter, er….mission of yours."

"Hn. I will consult you if further information is needed. …I will note your sexual

preference as heterosexual. 01 out."

"WHAT?!? 01! …01! INJUSTICE!!!!"

Chang appears to be involved in a heterosexual relationship. This would exclude him from possible candidates of Duo's affection, unless, of course, Duo's affections are unrequited. Perhaps this could be the cause of V.M.'s sympathetic depression rather than Senator's behavioral displays? Also, it appears that he has no particular requirements other than the fact that Duo be consulted on acceptable traits in a partner. 05 also seems to be laboring under misconception that am the person in question seeking a mate. Erroneous conclusion, but a functionally acceptable ruse. Will have to consult 03 as well.

"Hello, You've reached the Headquarters of Winner Corporation, Office of Trowa

Barton. How may I help you?"

"Hn. Yuy speaking. Connect me with Barton."

"…Yuy? Heero Yuy? One moment, let me consult my list…Oh yes, one second

please."

_dial tone_

"Hello Heero. Status?"

"Green. Am in need of confidential information."

"…"

"…Proceed."

"Hn. Your opinions on character traits and acceptable personalities for a partner

for one of the pilots."

"…"

"Have you asked Quatre?"

"Affirmative. Your input is required."

"Someone who is your friend, understands what you've been through, can readyour verbal and non-verbal cues, outgoing, energetic, caring."

"Energetic, Barton?"

"Hn."

"…very funny, Barton."

"You asked. Q.E.D."

"Noted. Any other qualifications?"

"…Is this for you, Heero?"

"Hn."

"I'll take that as a no."

"…_Bar_ton."

"…And a pilot. No one else will quite understand."

"Agreed. Thank you for your input, Barton."

"You're welcome, Heero. Will you be attending Relena's next reunion?"

"…unavoidable. Will see you then, and fill you in with further information then."

"Roger that, Barton out."

Hn. Barton's qualification of Pilot calls to mind the fact that Zechs Merquise is a competent suit pilot for Epyon. Will have to investigate him further, as ex-Oz officers, despite being pilots, might be abhorrent to the other pilots. As 03's partner, 04 can usually be called upon to think similarly to his mate. Thus, Duo's object of interest must be a pilot, probably male (though this is unconfirmed) and outgoing. However, these conclusions would exclude Hilde…Further investigation is needed. Possibility of unknown potential mate also cannot be excluded, at this point.

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Thanks for reviewing on each chapter---it helps me perfect the voices of the characters, or at least keep them in line with cannon. …Which I can then bastardize and mangle to my interests, specifications and enjoyment. Cheers! 


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, despite there being a paltry number of reviews to motivate me to post more…I am posting this for all those who DID leave me WONDERFUL, EXCELLENT, THOUGHTFUL reviews. **Thank you so much**!!!

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS**

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_Vidcall excerpt between Winner, Quatre R. and Barton, Trowa, approx. 2 minutes later_:

"Winner, were you aware of the fact that Heero is surveying everyone on the

desired qualities for a life partner?"

"Really? Do you think this is about Relena's hints, or about Duo?"

"Not sure."

long sigh "Well, I'll just have to call Relena and find out. Do you think I should

talk to Duo too?"

"…Maybe."

"Right. We're still on for lunch with Senator Cravey and the mining commission

at 12, right?"

"Affirmative. Will meet you outside your office at 1130. Will you be needing the

limo for this?"

"…Yes, we better had take it, appearances and you handle that

Trowa? Thanks! See you then— bye!"

"bye… Quatre."

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_Excerpt from personal Journal of Chang Wufei (translated from the Chinese)._

Received the most bizarre vid call from Yuy today. He inquired into my current relationship status with Sally. Was very odd—wanted to know what kind of personal characteristics were necessary in a partner. I wonder if he is aware of Duo's interest in him from the war? Most mysterious. Will have to query Quatre on the whole affair, and why Heero needed to ask such questions of me. Is it possible that Heero is really interested in Relena? Nobody is certain whether he likes onnas or not. Ancestors only know what is going on…

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There you go…the other guys get involved—even if it's just to act confused. Or BE confused. Whatever. (Yes, it's short, but I'll post the next chapter right after, so no pouting!) Cheers! 


	5. Chapter 5

Here it is…Please leave a review at the end…all you who didn't (I can seee you!) please know that I can tell you're reading the story (which is flattering, thanks much!) but not reviewing. REVIEW. It will get you more story, pronto. IF you leave a good one. Because I have a lot more written than what I'm posting….dangles carrot

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS**

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_Exerpt from personal database of Relena Darlian, formerly Peacecraft._

I have decided! Duo will _HAVE_ to have some sort of ideas on finding a man…or maybe I could just order Heero to kidnap me for a week to get out of here. I'm going crazy and keep dreaming that my paperwork on my desk is going to eat me! I've had about all I can take. Sleep deprivation and a crammed schedule are really killing me.

I get tomorrow afternoon off though, so I think that I'll go shopping. I'm sick of all these silly pink clothes. It's time for me to grow up a little…maybe I could just have a pink accent somewhere—a pin or broach or something. I guess it IS sort-of a trademark for me, but really, _every_thing pink is just too much. It's all that my wardrobe specialist offers though…so maybe it's time to find my own clothes. Even a pair of jeans…I always have to borrow something off Hilde when I go out with Duo on L2. It might be nice to have my own, really. Maybe I could even have a pair of sneakers, instead of these damned heels! I have to practically soak my feet every night from wearing them…the pain is just miserable.

Heero's been very preoccupied these last couple of days after I mentioned Duo being in love. Honestly, the man is oblivious. And you wonder why, exactly, I stopped chasing him? He's so far up "de-nile" and building a fancy estate on it that you could whap him in the back of the head with a board and he wouldn't get a clue. Me, I like my men to at least catch on sometime—maybe even chase _me_ a little. Doing all the chasing isn't as much fun as chasing someone, then them turning around and catching you. There was a lack of catching me from Heero, thus no more chasing. It was just pointless. That, and I'm pretty sure that he's not interested in ANY women (not just me) since he confided in me once that he felt extremely uncomfortable with my old secretary who used to hit on him (read: grope him) when I wasn't in the room. Actually, the conversation sort of went like this:

H: "I have reallocated your secretarial staff to be more efficient."

Me: "What? You got rid of my secretary? Why?"

H: "She had a very unprofessional demeanor when in the presence of…men."

Me: "What?!? You mean she hit on you!?! Why that BITCH!!!!" cue ranting

H: "Hn. …groped, actually."

Me: "I should've FIRED her AGES ag—wait, what?"

H: "…."

Me: "…" long pause

Me: "Well then, that's good, I suppose. Did you find someone better, then?"

H: "…Yes. They do not appear to show any inappropriate sexualized behavior in

the…in my…presence…of men. …or interest, really."

Me: "Oh. Well, who is it? Introduce me!!"

Enter Dorothy: "Hello Miss Relena."

Me: "Hi Dorothy, how are you? …Ohhhhhh."

H: "Hn."

Yeah. Amazing, actually—that he would just volunteer that sort of information. I think he actually never meant for me to hear that little groping comment, but I'm glad I did. It explained so much. I mean, since when have you _ever_ heard Heero Yuy stumble over his words like that? He was practically admitting that he didn't like sexual advances from women---so in other words, he wasn't sexually interested in returning their advances and thus uninterested in them in general. Other than their abilities to work efficiently, I suppose. At least I think. I'm still not terribly certain on that one. Thus the hints about Duo to see if he'd at least bite the 'hook' and show interest—it'd be nice to confirm that he's at least not asexual. Just trying to help a friend out, you know? Not like I have a prurient interest in Heero's love life or anything.

However, I do have a prurient interest in my own, thanks very much. Specifically, my lack of one. I wonder if the pink limousine scares them off? Maybe I'll start having my driver use my Bentley instead. I think it's black, anyways---much more low-key. And low key is definitely what I want on this shopping trip. Maybe I'd better enlist Heero to back me up on my new clothing selections. He never says anything, but I bet he'd agree that comfortable, functional clothes are better than any painful, constricting couture torture devices. He could just provide a back-up glare. Not that I'd ask him for fashion advice—he couldn't dress himself if you paid him…Pargan usually handles his necessary clothing for any formal affair. Once he's got the necessary clothes, he can blend in and hide pretty well in plain sight. He does casual pretty well though, so I'll drag him along for that. Maybe Dorothy too—she'd have a ball insulting the really heinous selections…er, well, offering constructive criticism on my ideas. Just think—it'll be the first time that I'll actually pick out REAL clothing…not Pink Princess Wear.

I have a list already: Pants, comfortable shoes, underwear that doesn't bind or chafe, shirts, t-shirts, a skirt or two, a miniskirt, a clubbing outfit (will have to save that for when Duo comes so he can help me), various formal dresses that will NOT be pink, really, just anything BUT pink. I need a low key outfit for shopping though, and maybe a hat and sunglasses to hide. I wonder if Dorothy would know someone who'd have a wig that I could borrow? Getting mobbed would not be conducive to completing the mission. Geesh, I'm starting to sound like Heero. Wait, I know, I'll tell him it's a mission! Then I'm bound to get what I want! Yes! Brilliant!

* * *

_Interoffice Communique, Dorlian Residence, Sanq Kingdom._

To: Yuysanq.gov

From: Rdorliansanq.gov

Re: New Mission

Subject: Parameters for Planned Shopping Expedition

Heero,

I need new clothes. They must follow these guidelines: comfortable, practical, wearable in most weather conditions, do not bind or chafe, emphasize good features while hiding bad features (read: do not make me look like I'm fat or five years old), have some sex appeal for opposite sex, are not necessarily couture, can be vintage, may not say a brand name obviously all over them and the footwear have good traction over uneven ground and are comfortable, able to be run in (in case of an emergency) and attractive.

The Mission (should you choose to accept):

Smuggle me out of here in inconspicuous car (maybe the Bentley—it's black) wearing "normal clothes" disguises at approximately 1430. Be dropped off at nearest mall, pretending that we are a couple--- and that girlfriend (me) "Lena" has dragged her reluctant boyfriend (you) "Hugo" and friend Dorothy out for a new wardrobe, after the last one experienced an unfortunate bolt of lightning and burned entirely before it could be saved by a freak rainstorm.

Hopefully we will take 15 minutes or so to case the mall, decide on stores to visit, and then proceed to fulfill the mission in about 6 hours or less. Then, we've got to go home, eat, and get ready for the Annual Sanq Charity Ball.

And maybe you have something I can use with a low incineration index to take care of the pink monstrosities that are hiding in my closet, currently? I fear they're armed and dangerous, and should be dealt with using the maximum amount of explosive, incendiary power.

Think you can handle it?

Relena Dorlian

Rdorliansanq.gov

Vice Minister of Foreign Affairs

Sanq Kingdom, Earth Sphere

* * *

_Return Interoffice Communique, Dorlian Residence, Sanq Kingdom. Approximately 10 minutes later._

To: Rdorliansanq.gov

From: Yuysanq.gov

Re: New Mission

Subject: Shopping Expedition --Ninmue Kanryuu

Mission Accepted.

As your bodyguard, I will be in attendance. Have assembled appropriate outfit for you to wear, including short brunette wig and clothing borrowed from reliable source (Preventer's agent). Will be ready at front door at approximately five minutes before the agreed upon operation initiation time. Clothing will be deposited in your room on top of bed.

-01

* * *

Please leave a review! (Yes, in fact, I am a review whore. You may indulge me.) Cheers! 


	6. Chapter 6

**Relena Strikes Back**: also known by the subtitle…._Evil Occurs at the Mall_. Or maybe _Return of The Mall Brat_. Or, if you prefer, the results of the "mission" to get Relena some new clothes. And Sanity. Er, well, okay, clothes at least. Have fun, leave a review!

Ps: Stand back so you don't get deafened. Hee.

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS**

* * *

_Exerpt from personal database of Relena Dorlian, formerly Peacecraft._

You wouldn't BELIEVE what happened today at the mall. Well, okay, you would if you know what the circus my life is. Really. I swear (that would be the VOW type of swear to Duo, not the cuss-sort of swear…er, yeah). Knowing, of course, that "Omae o Korosu" Yuy is in charge of my security, and is, of course, terribly efficient…well, if you said it would be vaguely disastrous, you'd be right. Heck, you'd be right if you said it'd be a downright debacle, idiocy included! ARRRG!

Really, Heero means well. Except when it comes to getting a girl's needs met, he's a bit hard on the helping. Well, make that a woman, and change the word to IMPOSSIBLE. Like those ancient "Mission Improbable" movies, but without the guns, pyrotechnic explosions, and sex appeal. Well, The Guy I met had sex appeal, but seeing him slammed into a dressing-room wall by a shorter, angry and very deadly ex-terrorist Asian man will definitely curtail your enjoyment of anyone's, er, physique.

Adding injury to insult, I know I'll be subjected to a through briefing on everything from the guys toe-nail clipping habits to his taste in breakfast cereal by 800 hours tomorrow morning…Which is what I think Heero does to discourage me from ever becoming interested in ANYONE. Fgvvujhi87fdreioedrfs8ui67yytrgfrrtf5…

/'Lka;afoardehgngazkho83527 Adgjas'fhj…Sorry…Who knew that banging your head on the keyboard is not advisable? —not only does my forehead now have funny marks on it, but the aggravation just does NOT go away. And I'm just too tired to delete my "typing."

Okay, so I REALIZE that I have a role in keeping peace on the earthsphere, and YES, YES, there have been attempts on my life…but could I please, PLEASE just have some cute guy give me his number without getting body slammed? Right, so a more detailed description of the whole affair is definitely needed. That, or I'm going to commit fratricide on Heero.

It "went down" like this…in Duo-speak:

Heero was supposed to act as my "boyfriend"—a particular fact that didn't seem to happen. Mostly, he just looked like a lurking axe murderer. Brilliant. Oh, don't get me wrong, he let me hang on him, and chatter, but when we got into the stores, he'd select clothing for me, thrust it at me, and say, "Buy it." Yep, that's it. Not, "try this on, honey," or even, "That shade of fuchsia just makes you look like you've got rosacea, dear." Granted, the clothing he picked WAS in my size, fit well, and was comfortable (a fact that has saved his miserable existence, in this instance)…but he just stood there and GLARED or acted like a ROBOT whenever I asked for his opinion on an outfit.

You'd think, with a homosexual man, or even a STRAIGHT one, that he'd say SOMEthing rude about combining hot pink and ochre (Dorothy came up with THAT one, as, I'm sure, a perverse way to try to get him to say _some_thing about my choices and combinations). So maybe he's not? Or maybe he just doesn't have a sense of style…after all, the man wore spandex and tank tops –to the exclusion of mostly any other clothing—throughout the war. And I know he's not color-blind…because Dr. J would have screened him for that and corrected for it…And I HAD told him "No Pink!" But no, he just clammed up like it was some sort of interrogation, with the occasional grunt of "Hn." Unlike Duo, I'm not terribly fluent in the language of Yuy "Hn"-ness to get to where I can extract an entire sentence on what he thinks of any particular outfit from his very brief grunts.

To be perfectly honest, however, his attitude (and actions) were most likely triggered by the first place we visited on our quest for clothing for the "New, not so saccharine Relena" that I wanted to be. Since I was undercover, and by all accounts, virtually unrecognizable due to his disguises, no-one even thought anything of invading my personal space, touching, bumping up against _accidentally_, or um, groping. Yes, indeed, upon further reflection, the right term to use would be _groping_. Heero was pretty furious when he discovered the, er, transgression, upon its THIRD iteration. Salesguys can evidently get pretty grabby when they're fitting you for something…I'll never visit THAT store again…Wandering hands and bright, cheerful conversations about past sexual exploits (or bodily inadequacies) are never a great experience as soon as you send your friend and bodyguard-boyfriend just outside the tailoring closet.

Evidently, gay men's attendants can fill in for women as tailors if the store is short-staffed…at least, I THINK he was gay (knowing my luck, he probably wasn't, but was faking it)…He was chattering on so fast, after he grabbed my butt and pulled my cheeks apart (to gauge how much "lift" I would need from my new pants) for his first offense, and I made some sort of odd, whistling squeak noise—like a deflating whoopie cushion--that I was too stunned to move when he pinched my hips, advised me to lay off the bon-bons, and then prodded my chest, advising me that I should try "the bras from such-and-such shop, since they give the best illusion of cleavage, for those of us that are gently-endowed," while at the same time regaling me with a commentary on his ex-something-friend/person and their sexual exploits, and their relation to my boobs. Way to say my butt is fat and saggy, and my boobs are non-existent, you bizarre pervert.

I must have made a really strange strangled sound of agreement (more likely horror), because that was when Heero-the-late-to-act-eavesdropping-jerk stormed into the closet like a tardy white knight…to find me being prodded, mostly naked (except for my unmentionables) and in horrified awe over the gauche behavior of my personal "measurement and vestiture specialist." Yikes! I could measure my mortification in the triple digits, and the heat of my skin, as well. He immediately put the monstrous idiot in a headlock, to outraged (and extremely LOUD) protestations, and hustled him out, with a grunt to Dorothy to "help her, we're getting out of here." His face was lobster-red too.

And that store was supposed to be quite upscale too. Dorothy found it all extremely hilarious. I just found it demeaning and outrageous, but hey, they didn't know it was ME, you know? I'd hate to think of what would happen if I went there as "Her Ex-Majesty, Relena Peacecraft." Heero probably would've loved to have him arrested, but we were incognito, so no way to do that without blowing our covers. And once Heero's on a mission, nothing, even the threat of a _further_ groping, will keep him from it. Although I DID take the sales guy's advice about the lingerie store later… a lady needs all the confidence she can muster (and sexy underthings are just part of that unshakeable confidence, let me tell you).

Upon our exit from the store, Heero then laid down the law; no stores where I would be out of his sight, in the presence of any other person (even female) unless Dorothy were with me, no stores that assigned private fitting specialists or attendants or salespeople on commission that would oversee our entire "buying experience," or anything else of that nature. If anyone asked, we were "just fine, thank you." And they could just bugger off, as far as he was concerned. If he and Dorothy couldn't provide any of the assistance I needed, then no-one else would.

My SECOND brush with disaster, and really, the final straw for Heero, was much more innocuous. We stopped for lunch after a mostly successful three hours (I had acquired most of my underpinnings, but was missing a few accessories) in the food court of the mall, bearing many packages, between the three of us. I ordered food, as Heero cased the joint, found us a table, and sat down.

Unluckily (not for us) there was a table nearby filled with a group of rather cute young men, along with two older young men and a darling little girl. A precocious, evidently observant little girl of indeterminate age (so it is with younger children, unless you have one of your own) with bright blue eyes, wispy blond hair, and an adorable smile…the little monster. As we were eating, she fixed her eyes on me (without much notice from the table of arguing young men, who were discussing the ideology of pacifism and it's relation to trade—I was fascinated in my eavesdropping, and really wanted to butt-in a few times) and stared with a single-mindedness of focus seen only in the very young, and of course, in experienced assassins. (Neither of which care about being rude).

At least, it must have been, according to Heero, since it made him antsier than heck. He gave her "THE Glare 'o' Death"—and she returned it with a studied nonchalance that took him aback, though Dorothy observed to me that it was really a form of glorified staring contest between two evenly-matched opponents (earning her a particularly withering glare from Heero as well-he doesn't miss much). Evidently he didn't like being compared to a particularly insolent preschooler…though some days he really seems like one.

The child then turned, yanked on the man sitting next to her's shoulder, and when granted his ear with an expression of long-suffering, proceeded to whisper in his ear, and point directly at me. Whatever she said, he shook his head and murmured something to her, which she responded to with a pout. She slouched down, still pouting, and stared again. At this point, she wiggled out of her chair, and before she could be...dissuaded, approached me.

"You look like Relena Peacecraft." She announced particularly loudly, obviously hoping for some sort of conflict. Oh, my. Belligerent 11-year olds---what is the world coming to!?

"I bet you're pretty rich to be carrying all that stuff. My dad says only the noveau riche shop at this mall, though, so I bet you're not her. She's not very pretty anyway, my mom says, because she's mostly makeup---all of those big celebrities are completely fake, and they pay lots of money to look perfect, instead of being naturally beautiful."

The young and younger men took notice of this, since she was steadily becoming louder and shriller. My only thought was "Ohgod, we've been made!" followed rapidly by, "Somebody shut her up, PLEASE." Heero stood first, towering over her…a bit. He was entirely tense, and icy cold and brutally blunt in his reply.

" I _suggest_ you return to your table."

This did not go over with Spoilt Monster very well. "Daddy"—all 6'5" of his tall, ruggedly-gorgeous, brunet heartthrob-ness quickly joined the fray. Whoo boy, he could've joined my, ahem, fray any day.

"Alicia! You KNOW you're not supposed to talk to strangers, and ESPECIALLY not insult them! What have I told you about that?! WHERE are your manners??!"

Score one for him. Unfortunately, S.M. decided to even the score.

"You're just upset because you think Peacecraft's pretty, and think her views on pacifism are intriguing from a socio-cultural standpoint, but everyone knows all the stuff she spouts off is a load of cr---MMMFF!"

He reddened, and stepped forward quickly, clapping a hand over her mouth and cutting her off quickly to stem the tide. Thank god! He quickly started to babble apologies.

"I'm sorry, I know her behavior's absolutely abhorrent, I really must apologize…I'm watching her for my brother and his wife…really, she doesn't know what she's talking about…no offense intended, of course." The last was directed rather timidly toward Heero, who looked like an impending nuclear explosion. Greaaaat.

Heero's reaction was almost cliché: He pivoted, barked out, "Hn. Let's GO," gathered up Dorothy and I, and made an abrupt, rather hasty "strategic redeployment of forces." That's a retreat, if you weren't already aware. Luckily, we'd mostly finished eating at that point. Way to make us NOT appear suspicious in the least.

He quickly hustled us to our next destination in our marathon shop-a-thon, with me protesting rather loudly about hearing an apology from the S.M.. I guess Gorgeous heard me, because he followed us after a bit of a delay. Well, really, he found us after we'd left the second store, about half-an-hour later.

Get this, he actually approached me and Dorothy, who were waiting outside for Heero to finalize the details of a transaction in a sporting goods/outdooring store and again offered his apologies.

"Uhm, Hi…I just wanted to apologize to you two ladies again…I feel really bad about ruining your lunch break…perhaps I could offer you a coffee sometime? Oh, sorry, sorry, that was stupid, uh, well, I, that is---perhaps, ah, you'd like to attend one of my lectures? Geeze, I sound like an idiot! …What I meant, really, was that one of my students whom I was sitting with noticed that, um, you looked interested in what we were talking about, and um, ah, er…perhaps I should introduce myself?" this was addressed rather helplessly to me, in an endearingly un-artificial, nervous fashion.

" I'm ah, Professor James Perkinson from Oxford University…I, ah…no, no, that's stupid…um, perhaps you'd like my card?"

With that, he nervously reached to withdraw his wallet from his pocket to extract his card. He managed to get it out, and reached out rather quickly to offer it to me, held against the palm of his hand. That was the point that Heero emerged from the store, and saw what he termed "a certifiable threat" trying to offer me bodily harm, and struck! Wham! Up against the wall went Gorgeous, now known as James, whom Heero proceeded to threaten, after brusquely ordering Dorothy to get me outside, as our expedition was OVER. Surprizingly, she cooperated for once with him, practically manhandling me out of the mall and into the waiting Bentley that Heero had been delayed in exiting the store because of placing the call to order it there.

Ten minutes later, Heero joined us in the car. At that point, I was fuming, and ready to blow a few gaskets (in Duo's colorful, ancient American colloquialisms). No, scratch that, I wasn't FURIOUS, I was ENRAGED, ENFLAMED, INFURIATED, MADDENED, ANGERED, SEEING RED, STEAMED, and just plain PISSED OFF. Not to mention upset that I hadn't even managed to get his card…but at least I knew his name. Unfortunately for Heero, I couldn't scream at him in the car (I have learned SOME decorum, really) because that might deafen the driver, so I had to fume and fidget all the way home. It was not going to be a pretty blowup.

And what do you know, it wasn't. I got him inside, into the parlor (I practially dragged HIM) before I laid into him and practially ripped chunks (another Duo-ism) from his hide. My tirade (which made me feel infinitely better, really) went something like this:

"YOU INCONSIDERATE, RUDE, STUPID JERK. _WHAT_ WERE YOU THINKING?? THE MAN WAS _TRYING_ TO APOLOGIZE, AND YOU JUST WENT NUTS! I KNOW THAT THE ATTENDANT EARLIER TODAY WAS OUT OF LINE, BUT WHAT THE _HELL_, YUY?!! HE WAS _TRYING_ TO BE NICE! NOT MAKE SOME MEASLEY ATTEMPT AT MY LIFE—NOT EVERYONE IS A BIG, BAD, LURKING _EVIL_ TERRORIST. WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET OFF?!! STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD! I WANT TO HAVE A LIFE TOO!!! AND THAT WOULD INCLUDE INTERACTING WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX!!!! ESPECIALLY THE _INTERESTING_,_INTELLIGENT _MEMBERS OF SAID SEX, _WITHOUT_ INTERFERENCE FROM PEOPLE WHO MIGHT _THINK_ THEY HAVE MY BEST INTERESTS IN MIND, BUT ARE REALLY SET ON TREATING ME LIKE I'M SOME SORT OF _IDIOT_ THAT CAN'T MAKE _DECISIONS_ AND _FIGURE OUT_ WHEN SOMEONE'S BEING _SINCERE_. I'M A _POLITICIAN_, FOR_HEAVEN'S_ SAKE, YUY. I CAN FIGURE SOMETHING LIKE _THAT_ OUT! AND NOW YOU'VE SCARED OFF QUITE POSSIBLY THE 10TH AND MOST INTERESTING RELATIONSHIP PROSPECT THAT I'VE EVER HAD. SCRATCH THAT, HE WASN'T EVEN A _PROSPECT_ YET AND YOU JUMPED HIM! DO YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF SICK FASCINATION WITH MY LOVE LIFE, THAT YOU CAN DECIDE WHO I SEE AND TALK TO??? IS IT SOME SORT OF _GAME_ TO YOU, TO CONTROL MY LIFE? WELL, I'LL TELL _YOU_ SOMETHING, YUY. NO _MORE_! IT'S NONE OF _YOUR_ DAMN BUSINESS WHO I TALK TO, HANG OUT WITH, LISTEN TO, EAT WITH, SLEEP WITH OR _FUCK_,**DAMNIT**!!! I _DON'T_ WANT A LAUNDRY LIST OF EACH MAN'S FAILINGS THE NEXT MORNING BEFORE BREAKFAST, I _DON'T_ WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THEIR POSSIBLE SECURITY THREAT INDEX FACTOR, AND I _DON'T_CARE ABOUT WHAT UNDERWEAR SIZE THEY _WEAR_. AM I**UNDERSTOOD**???!!!"

There was a pause as I drew in another breath of air to continue.

"**IF** THERE IS SOME SORT OF CONCRETE THREAT AGAINST ME, YUY, YOU MAY_CERTAINLY_ ACT—AS THAT _IS _YOUR JOB—TO ACT AS MY_BODYGUARD_…NOT SOME SORT OF HIGH AND MIGHTY _CHAPERONE_. I DON'T _CARE_ IF _YOU_ THINK THE GUY ISN'T _GOOD_ ENOUGH FOR ME, THAT'S _MY _DECISION! DID YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE I _WOULDN'T_ CARE IF HE _WAS_ GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME? MAYBE I _WANT_ SOMEONE WHO _ISN'T_ GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!! HM? HM?"

At this point, I had so forgotten anything else in my rage, I was standing not even six inches away, yelling in his face and prodding him with a perfectly manicured finger in the chest, belligerently. Yuy was rather more wide-eyed than his usual stoic mask, and leaned backward, the slightest bit, with a slight crinkle around his eyes, probably from discomfort (I WAS pretty shrill, err…loud). It was just something that I noticed, being so close. Also at this point of my rant, my throat was starting to get a bit sore, so I continued at a slightly lower volume, and in a rather teary fashion.

"…I just wanted to talk to him, you know? I mean, REALLY talk to him…and what he was saying was so interesting…and I never get to meet anyone interesting, no, no, it's just 'Relena, meet senator so-and-so' and 'Relena, Councillor somebody would like to talk to you at your earliest convenience after the meeting'….there's no, 'hey 'Lena, want to go get coffee with me sometime and talk about something YOU care about?' at all…."

At which point I started to bawl. Yes, Bawl, cry, sob, hiccup, shed buckets—the works. If you weren't aware, there's nothing like the sight of an upset woman crying to terrify the terrorists in your life.

Heero looked stricken. Good! Serves him right. I just turned and left at that point, with a choked, "I just can't DO this right now…th-thanks for your help with the shopping, I'm going to retire to my room now." Interspersed, of course with ragged sobs and pauses for breath.

And so there you have it---a complete disaster for the day, not even counting the stupid ball that I have to go to tonight…though at least I've got some decent clothes to wear for once…

* * *

That's _It_! What could possibly go wrong next??? Ha, leave a review to speculate, argue, heckle, irritate, badger, hound, annoy and whatever else (not literally, of course)…and maybe you'll find out. Oh, and thank you VERY much to Dyna, Snowdragonct, Pikeebo, Prissymae and Pattyard for their encouraging reviews...This chapter is dedicated to you, for making my day! Cheers! 


	7. Chapter 7

Here it is, another short chapter. I'm working on the rest, so enjoy!

CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS

* * *

_1900 Hours, AC 205: Sanq Kingdom. Personal Database of Yuy, Heero_. 

Vice Minister Dorlian very upset after my actions this afternoon in Mission New Clothes (see Database AC205SecMis, file dxt2001x3.txt). Return to Base precipitated "bitchfit" in words of Duo. Thus, am not certain it is wise at this juncture to antagonize V.M. with further news before Sanq Charity Ball. Noted information follows:

Have located card of suspect who approached V.M. today, and preliminary search seems to indicate that he is not currently a threat to her. In fact, he appears to be notorious for his pacifist stance on world issues—a published and rather famous professor. Hn. Must be a first, all other candidates for V.M.'s interest have been in security business for some reason. This may be due to inability to find free time—or better options on her part.

Card was actually retrieved by Dorothy Catalonia, and after VM vacated premises out-of-sorts, was offered chance to "redeem myself" with resultant blackmail that all security footage concerning Relena and her new …Candidate will be able to be viewed by D. Catalonia at any time. With consideration of all variables (Anger on V.M.'s part, time and expense in attempting ID match from mall security cameras with Preventers' database) have acquiesced to these demands, with the addendum that all footage must never leave the estate in any form, to prevent scandal, which might in turn cause destabilization in government or world affairs and affect the peace.

D. Catalonia agreed to these terms. Information on Candidate follows:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(front)

James Ethan Perkinson

Professor Emeritus

_Political studies in Pacifism and Economic Fluctuations, Mansfield College._

Department of Politics and International Relations, Oxford University. Manor Road, Oxford, OX1 3UQ  
Vidstream 44 (1)1349 685278

Datastream 44 (0)1865 278725

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

So sorry about my niece! Please feel free to call me—we can have a chat over tea sometime…

44 (1)1343 245784

-James

(back)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

V.M. apparently will want this information. Method of delivery will have to be determined, as information is of a sensitive nature. Also, V.M. is unlikely to be receptive to usual oral delivery methods during daily morning briefing on daily agenda/schedule. Mission planning will commence at later hour towards disseminating this information to the appropriate people and locations. Possibly scheduling V.M. a time slot to attend lecture by Candidate would ameliorate any emotional upheaval experienced via Mission New Clothes, and any remaining tension between V.M. and Operative.

Furthermore, investigation into charges of groping by V.M will have to be instigated. Even undercover, appropriate behavior of service staff should not be dictated by sexual orientation or experience in industry field. Did not witness alleged groping incident, however, examination of security video records of mall stores should yield further information before charges can be possibly brought to level of Preventers authority/purview.

Initial contact will have to be made with Candidate by Operative. Unspecified whether Candidate will be receptive to face-to-face meeting with V.M. Peacecraft, but likelihood is rated at 87.8 on standard scale, based on previous behavior and subjects discussed by Candidate. Additional info may be found in database labeled VMCL.(suffix for db?) in dossier file Cno56.txt on Candidate of V.M.'s interest.

* * *

Thank you to the reviewers that responded! You are awesome...Yes, Duo would be better to take out for any semi-social outing...or any outing that required basic socialization. Heero's a bit of a rock that way. And yes, the plot will evolve/proceed, but keep in mind that with all the different methods of indirectly telling the story, it will not move terribly fast---as it IS told in the everyday writings/records of the characters, and moves at the speed of everyday life (which can be slow, even in the digital/technological age)! Yay! I'll be posting up to Ch. 12 probably, as I'm stuck on a section for Ch. 13 (I write them out of sequence, whenever I feel inspired by a certain character). 

Cheers!


	8. Chapter 8

FYI vocabulary note (from the American Heritage Dictionary for the English Language):_Dossier: a collection of papers or documents pertaining to a particular person or subject; a file_. French, from the Old French, a _bundle of papers having a label on the back_, from_dos_ (from the latin _dorsum _or back).

CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS

* * *

_Database VMCL (Vice Minister candidate list) file entry Cno56.txt, excerpt from Dossier prepared by Yuy, Heero:_

**Candidate Name:** Perkinson, James Ethan

**Marital Status:** single, 29 years of age. No records of previous marriages found.

**Clothing:** Size 16 neck, shirt size Large, 34 inseam, size 8 mens shoes.

**Criminal Record Check:** No Record of Crimes found. 2 parking violations, issued at Oxford environs (acceptable).

**Vehicle Driving Record:** No moving violations. Licensed for personal shuttle use, Class E, and automobile Class C.

**Latest physical examination:** good, no outstanding medical conditions. Flu shot administered four years in a row, inoculated against meningitis (as per university instructor hiring requirements).

**Dental records:** good, no procedures necessary. Cavity filling in left back molar, 2 years previous.

**Medical history:** treated for compound fracture in arm at 9 years of age(tree climbing accident), greenstick fracture at 23 (skiing incident), various other non-serious/ non-contagious illnesses. No STDs.

**Financial Status:**stable (approx. 62,000 yearly). 2 grants awarded in economics and political theory.

**Tax history: **no outstanding debts or problems.

**Family situation:**

**Two siblings**

Male: Quincy Perkinson, (stock broker) 36, married to Joanna Louise Kinsey-Perkinson (journalist) 34, children 1, …. (brat).

Female: Elaenor Annais Perkinson-Kirby, (homemaker) 32, married to Timothy Kirby (WEI manufacturing plant manager—profile acceptable) 39, 3 children: Jennifer Alyce, 8, Jamison Pierce, 6, and Benjamin Caleb, 4.5.

**Parents:** Jacob Astor Perkinson (Rancher/Ret. Commodities Speculator) 71, and Renee Christine Hertford Calderón-Perkinson (Ret. Professor of Economics at the Universidad de Salamanca, Spain) 69.

**Family Background:** conservative, emphasis on education (all children attended 4-year universities). Financial status: secure (150-180,000 yearly).

**Education:** Attended Oxford undergrad graduated Summa Cum Laude at age 19(3 years), masters at UC Berkley (Pre-colony USA) in Conflict Studies and Resolution, PhD. at Universidad de Salamanca in Political Theory, second PhD. at University of Delhi in Economics.

**Work Experience:** 8 Years teaching at Oxford, 3 at Delhi, 2.5 at Salamanca. Internship during Masters program with United Earth sphere parliament, approx. 6 month duration, Confidential clearance granted.

**Research synopsis:** Publishing index and citation count by other experts on Candidates' publications is high. Candidate seems to have high relevance to current political discussions going on within the World Council.

**Assessed Threat Index to V.M.:** 30.2 (Low)

**Psychological assessment:** testing indicates candidate has low risk factor in opposite gender interactions (Duo: 'nice guy'). Involuntary bias towards younger people, liberals, and towards multicultural environments. Profile indicates stable, well-adjusted individual, with no history of mental illness. High IQ ratings on all tests.

* * *

Gads, Heero is FAR too thorough, isn't he? Ha! Take that, any potential suitors for Relena! Computer-brain syndrome strikes again, and Heero is rolling in it. Luckily, he's learned his lesson from Relena's rant...and won't tell her this info immediately. Sometimes it's best to keep SOME things to yourself... 


	9. Chapter 9

The plot thickens…

CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS

* * *

_Vidcall Exerpt between Winner, Quatre, and Dorlian, Relena. AC 208, …._

--ring-- --ring-- --ring--

"Hello, Office of Quatre Winner, CEO of Winner Enterprizes. This is Amelie, how may I help direct your call?"

"Hello Amelie, this is Relena Dorlian-Peacecraft. I'd like to speak to Quatre as soon as possible, regarding an upcoming reunion. Could you put me through?"

"Oh! Mz. Peacecraft! Hang on just one moment and I'll make sure that he's free! May I put you on hold? Thanks!"

--click--

"…Hello? Relena?"

"Quatre! How are you?!"

"Oh, I'm ..fine, just a bit busy with this new merger… How are you, Miss Relena?"

"Quatre, I thought I told you to just call me Relena?"

--sheepishly-- "Well, yes you did. I'm sorry, I'm a bit distracted today, Relena. What's new with the pilot reunion plans?"

"Well, I was wondering how you felt about inviting our significant others?"

"Significant others? Is there something that you need to tell me, Relena?"

"Uhh, no. Well, um, no…but I was thinking---with you and Trowa coming together, and then Duo probably bringing Hilde…we should make sure to include any others, don't you think?"

"I, uh, that is, ….Trowa and I aren't _together_-together, Relena."

"…"

"…"

"Whaaaaat???!! But Dorothy and Du….well, **I** thought you _were_. Why aren't you? You like him, right? So, just _ask_ him to come as your date already!!"

"Relena-san, we're just friends…I mean, I don't want to lose his friendship…Despite what Duo has told you, we aren't involved…."

"Well, you SHOULD be. You'd be so CUTE together…."

--rampant blushing noted on Q. Winner's part--

"Uhm, well, uhm, I don't know if Duo will be bringing Hilde as his significant other, either. He's contacted me about doing some work on his own for a while…Do you know anything about that? Howard seemed to think the two weren't in a serious relationship."

"Oh, so they AREN'T together? Good. I mean, Hilde's a nice girl, but I just can't see them clicking, you know? Besides, I always thought Duo was interested in Heero, didn't you? He was always hanging on him during the war…and Heero would just LET him. Used to piss me off sooo much. But then, of course, I realized that Heero wasn't interested in me romantically, or anyone else for that matter, really. What do you think?"

"…Well, my Space Heart always seemed to pick up very confused emotions from Heero whenever Duo was around…but I suppose since Heero never did kill Duo, especially after all the threatening Heero did…that maybe he doesn't DIS-like him?? I'd say that's about as much as I could ever figure out."

"Yeah, you're right. Hey, want to help me find out for certain if they like each other? It could be fun…"

"Are you sure this isn't, you know, beneath you? …and I thought you still, uhm, were in love with Heero? What happened?"

"Pssht, Quatre, as someone with 29 sisters, you should know that matchmaking is NEVER beneath any woman's purview. And no, I grew out of that long ago. I like my men able to carry out a fully interactive conversation without resorting to animal grunting noises."

"Ah…"

"…Right! So, where were we thinking of holding this reunion this time?"

"Well, I was thinking that it'd be nice to go somewhere warm this Christmas, since it's supposed to be very cold and blizzardy here in Sanq this year…"

"We could hold it in one of my estates in the Mediterranean? How about…"

--rustling noise--

"…Cyprus, Greece?"

"Perfect! We'll have to make sure the staff gets the holiday off, so we can ensure everyone's privacy…let's see, how many will we have there?"

"Well, you, me, Trowa, Heero, Duo, Zechs and Noin, Wufei, maybe Sally Po, Rashid, Uhm, who else?"

"Let me think, and I'll call you back?"

"Sounds good. Talk to you later. I'm running late for a meeting again."

"Right, okay, Bye Quatre!"

"Bye Relena, take care!"

* * *

Hurrah for pilots' reunions--they're sorta like High School reunions for the rest of us...except, without the war, killing, torture, mayhem and stuff. 

Review if you can, please!

Cheers!


	10. Chapter 10

Relena finishes her thoughts on the shopping expedition/disaster…

CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS

* * *

_Exerpt from personal database of Relena Dorlian, formerly Peacecraft. Entry continued._

In other news, Quatre called me today. He wasn't part of the whole disaster, but he definitely didn't ameliorate it. Thankfully, the chance to simper and socialize and circulate has afforded me some time to regain my temper. And my sanity…a bit. I'm definitely going to check out James Perkinson as soon as possible…Or maybe I'll just have to ask my secretary if she can find him. I am definitely NOT asking Heero…with his aforementioned information gathering skills, I'd get more than I ever wanted to know. Although in this case, I sort-of DO want to know… Morbid curiosity, I think Duo calls it.

Anyway, the conversation with Quatre was illuminating in more ways than one; who knew that Duo and I were the only ones laboring under the misapprehension that Quatre and Trowa (Barton—it's his code name from the war—he just hasn't stopped using it) were in some sort of relationship? Duo seemed certain that the two of them were, but it seems to me it's more of a bit of wishful thinking on both parts. Well, really, you can figure it out from our phone conversation.

Also, Quatre seemed rather flustered when I tried to pin him down about it. Perhaps Dorothy could be recruited in smoothing that matter out—I know she'd enjoy the chance to, um, scheme and plot a bit with me… And those two (Quatre and Trowa) are so CUTE together. They both seem to orbit around each other, and yet, have no idea how much they likes each other, while at the same time pining hopelessly over their object of affection. It's like some ridiculous dance between mating bees—always hovering, circling around, but never quite getting to the point.

I bet if I asked Duo, he'd tell me that they had both confided to liking each other (well, at least Quatre would have, Trowa is a bit to reticent with his emotions) to him…or some such ridiculous thing. Really, Shakespeare wasn't kidding when he quipped that "the course of true love ne'er did run smooth"—or something like that. Actually, I'm not sure WHO said that. Oh well.

Any way, back to my personal dilemma; what to do about James Perkinson? I haven't come up with any concrete plans yet, but I'm sure I will. Heero is so set on making sure I die an old maid, or at least, thwarting any sort of a normal relationship that I really feel a terrible urge to cry. I mean, I know that he's trying to protect me (just like he protected Duo on the Peacemillion by punching him) in his excessively paranoid, violently physical way, but I wish he could just be my FRIEND, you know? Maybe step back and say, "Okay, Relena's a big girl, she can decide who she gets to break her heart over WITHOUT bringing the security of the United Earth Sphere and Colonies into it…"

I feel like some sort of object, you know? Like a computer with a "Push Here to Insure Peace in the Whole Freaking Solar System" button that must be kept running efficiently at all costs, without interference by lesser beings. It's great for my professional life---nobody has a better bodyguard and security expert---but it's hell when you're trying to maintain a friendship. Perhaps he doesn't see me as a friend? With Heero, sometimes it's impossible to guess what goes through the titanium waste-basket that serves as a receptacle for his computer…I mean, brain. Heero brings new meaning to the words, "emotional range of a teaspoon," as Duo would say. I mean, I love the guy, and he has learned a lot about social interaction and such after the wars between Duo and my influence, but he's still such an enigma on the emotional front sometimes. You know?

I'd like to be his friend, but when he pulls something like he did today, it obviously shows me how little I really have helped him cope with emotional and social stuff. I think that's what made me want to cry more than anything else—I felt like he didn't respect me as a person or as a FRIEND. I'll have to consult Duo about all of this… maybe he'll have a better way to understand what Heero was thinking today. I certainly hope so. Going after a guy because of some minor perceived threat just doesn't mesh with my pacifist ideals of cooperation and tolerance at all. Not acceptable! At least he laid low during the whole Sanq Charity Ball.

There's just GOT to be SOME way of "hashing" (another Duo-ism) this whole respect and friendship issue out without alienating Heero (because despite all his training to control or subliminate his emotions, he does get hurt _so_ easily, and reverts to 'emotionless asshole' mode when he does) and without causing me to have a mental breakdown. And maintaining my sanity would be nice, of course. I'd like Heero to at least know that I consider him a friend, and don't necessarily have romantic interest in him…so he shouldn't try to ruin any prospects for me in that field because he's insecure or something…Or paranoid, really. I just…need some sort of middle ground on this whole relationship issue (or lack of one, really). I can't continue doing what I do without some sort of normal life or incentive like a normal relationship, you know?

Is Heero trying to be my friend, or is he just going overboard for the sake of his 'mission' as my bodyguard? Or is he jealous and unwilling to allow anyone else to have an intimate relationship with me, and is thus scaring away any 'competition' while at the same time denying himself the opportunity to have a more than professional relationship with me? I just don't know, and as I have moved on from my teenage crush, I hope he isn't interested in me in any romantic sense. I love him, but only as a friend. I don't think I could handle someone like him; an ex-gundam pilot, hacker and assassin with a martyr complex and seriously paranoid reflexes. It reads like a recipe for disaster. (Note to Self: avoid watching any more old films with Duo—the clichés just seem to invade my writing at every turn. I mean, recipe for disaster? Goodness!) I really hope though that he DOES consider me a friend…

* * *

Oh dear...REVIEW! Thanks.

Cheers!


	11. Chapter 11

"One small step for man, one giant leap for humanity!"-Glen Armstrong, who walked on the moon, in reference to Heero's attempt at minimizing his fuck-up with Relena…on the sly, of course.

CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS

* * *

_Email excerpt from Dorlian Residence, Sanq Kingdom, to Oxford University, England._

To: jperkinson mc.oxford. edu

From: yuy sanq. gov

Re: Vice Minister Relena Peacecraft-Dorlian Meeting

Subject: Scheduling a Meeting

Mr. Perkinson,

On behalf of my client, Relena Dorlian-Peacecraft, I would like to extend my condolences on the outcome of your initial meeting several days ago. My client might be further interested in meeting with you to discuss some legislation that is pending in the World Senate. Please contact me which time slot will fit in well with you: Monday, January 8 330-430pm, Thursday, January 11th 12-215pm, or Sunday, January 14th 9-11am.

Thank you for your prompt cooperation,

H. Yuy

Bodyguard to Vice Minister

--------------------------------

_Return email excerpt from Oxford University, England to Dorlian Residence, Sanq Kingdom._

To: yuy sanq. gov

From: jperkinson mc.oxford. edu

Re: Vice Minister Relena Peacecraft-Dorlian Meeting

Subject: Meeting

Is this a joke? I have never, to my knowledge, met with Ms. Dorlian. Kindly take your joke emails to another professor. Yuy? Wasn't he one of those gundam pilots?

I'm sure you thought your joke was funny, but I have too much to do already on my hands. Kindly don't clutter up my email box with your juvenile pranks.

Regards,

Professor Perkinson

--------------------------------

_Return email excerpt from Dorlian Residence, Sanq Kingdom, to Oxford University, England._

To: jperkinson mc.oxford. edu

From: yuy sanq. gov

Re: Vice Minister Relena Peacecraft-Dorlian Meeting

Subject: Scheduling a Meeting

Let me assure you, this is not a joke. Nor were my professional apologies for any rough treatment you might have undergone. As the Head of the Vice Minister's security, I take her security very seriously. Your meeting with her occurred during an undercover operation at the local Sanq Mall. Please reply to my query on your compliance with her hours of availability.

-Yuy

-------------------------------

_Return email excerpt from Oxford University, England to Dorlian Residence, Sanq Kingdom._

To: yuy sanq. gov

From: jperkinson mc.oxford. edu

Re:Vice Minister Relena Peacecraft-Dorlian Meeting

Subject: Meeting

Mr.Yuy,

The only remarkable thing that has happened to me this week was my unfortunate luck in babysitting one of my nieces, and my further misfortune in taking her to the mall, where she offended several people…

In regards to your apology, are we speaking of the short, angry Asian man who slammed me into a wall? I've a bruise on my tailbone that's making it very hard to sit down for my office hours…so thanks, but how the hell did you find me anyway? I guess that I'll accept your apology…I think.

On that note, I will bid you good day. I have papers and midterms to grade…

-Prof. Perkins

PS: my office hours are Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 2-4pm. If this isn't a joke, stop by?

_----------------------------------------------- _

_Email excerpt from Dorlian Residence, Sanq Kingdom, to Oxford University, England._

To: jperkinson mc.oxford. edu

From: yuy sanq. gov

Re: Vice Minister Relena Peacecraft-Dorlian Meeting

Subject: Scheduling a Meeting

Affirmative. Confirmed Monday, 1530 hours.

-Yuy

* * *

I don't think all these "emails" formatted right, but I tried to fix them. The stupid "at" signs won't display for some reason...DANGIT. Just imagine they're there, won't you? Review with your thoughts anyway, thanks!

Cheers!


	12. Chapter 12

Meanwhile, with Duo…

CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS

* * *

_Video Call Conversation between Maxwell, Duo and J., Howard. Database D208AC, file extension ax52v8.txt._

"Hey Kid, you there?"

"HOWIE!!! What's up, Gramps?"

"Don't call me Gramps, Brat!"

"Don't call me Kid, Old-Fart!"

"Neophyte!"

"Old Goat!"

"Little Pain-in-the-Ass!"

"HA! Who you callin' LITTLE?!? I'm taller than YOU old man, an' you KNOW it!"

"…"

"A-HEM…anyway, Kid, got something for ya—you ever hear of Epigne Electronics?"

"Nah, why? You gotta 'nother salvage job for me?"

"Not exactly, Brat. This line private?"

"Pssht, yeah, Howie. Why, what's up? Problems?"

"Well, not exactly. I meant, are you alone right now? It's sorta a private thing

just for you, y'know? Don't want anyone gettin' the wrong idea now…"

---sound of an exasperated snort--

"Just spit it out, old man. What've you got?"

"Weeell, it's like this: me 'n' the sweepers know you've been keepin' your eye peeled for a new ship—one of yer own, y'know? And we know how it's hard bein' a pilot and all and not havin' nothing of yer own to, eh, use. So me an' Jim—you remember Jim? Well, we've been keepin' the eyes peeled, and well, we found somethin'. Jim checked it out already—and it's kosher, but we wanted ya ta have first crack at it, a'fore the other sweepers got their paws on it ta buy it…"

"Whoa, whoa, slow down there Howie. Ya found a ship? Details man, I need some details."

"I'm sending them to you now. Thing is, it's a really good deal—it got stuck in escrow, and well, all you'd have to do is pay off the Mortgage, since the company's sellin' off most of their stuff because of a Merger with your ol' buddy."

"Quatre? He's buyin' Epigne?"

"Shh, shhh, it's on the real down low, y'know? We wouldn't know 'bout it either,

'cept that we're 'interested in buying up old stock' parties, right?"

--low whistling sound--

"Wowie, Howie---it's pretty reasonable! I dunno how I'd pay for it all, since I haven't got that much money lyin' around, but I could maybe make payments or something, right?"

"Well, yeah, and well, me an' the guys were thinkin' we might help you out a bit,

seein' as you got us that big bonus we needed on that last job we did together…"

"Shit, Howie… you sure about that? I mean, it looks like a nice ship, but I'm just not sure…I'd have to think about it."

"Yeah, yeah, that's okay. I'll give ya a few days—but only a few, okay? Otherwise we'll just add it to the fleet…give me a ring back when you're sure about what you wanna do, okay Kid? And it's your decision, y'know. I know you like the Hilde-gal, but you gotta think about your future and what you can do with YOUR skills, y'know. 'Sides, it's always been your dream to have a ship of yer own. …and quit callin' me Howie. Name's Howard."

"Yeah, yeah, ol' man. I'll give ya a call. Give my love to the guys."

"Bye, Brat."

"Bye, …Fogey."

"DUO!!! You little----------!"

--click--

* * *

Hmmmm...Duo is starting to have options in his life--no more ho-hum boring salvage yard job with other Sweepers work on the fly for whenever life gets too stifling. Wouldn't you want your own ship if YOU were a pilot? 

Ps: ARG, I hate this formatting thing on It sucks--it won't display any non-standard characters. WTF?!?

Cheers!


	13. Chapter 13

What did Duo see? Here you go:

* * *

_CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS_

_Recently posted on for sale listings_:

**For Sale**:

Kracken Shipyard Theta-class model 06871, length 89'11", type S5A, transport grade 3 usage. Sweet deal! In great condition, recently augmented payload capacity (8). Needs to be sold! Capable of long-term spaceflight and atmospheric flying. Handles great! For more information and up-to-the-minute specs, contact Rand Stevenson, c/o: Epigne Shipyard, Equatorial Guinea.

* * *

A bit of a teaser chapter, sorry! Am working hard on the next part, and developing the plot. And, IF you haven't reviewed the last couple of chapters that I've posted, please feel free to do so now... I'll post the next ones up, pronto! 


	14. Chapter 14

I don't like Hilde Shbeiker. Talk about a character just thrown in there to keep an anime series from having any "non-standard/mainstream" relationships. She' a flat, boring caricature of a person. Which is why I _absolutely_ abhor her. That and I'm a 1x2 'shipper…. The prejudices of the people who made the series are terribly apparent, aren't they? Ah well. That's why I'm altering them to what I feel the characters SHOULD be like…

Soundtrack suggestion: Violent Femmes, "Blister in the Sun."

* * *

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS**

_Personal Database of Maxwell, Duo._

Today was complete shit. Well, today AND this evening. It started out okay, if you count being late to work and tripping over your own feet when getting out of bed _okay_. Technically, I tripped, smacked myself in the face on my doorframe, and staggered into the shower at the late hour of 10am. Evidently, my partner, Hilde, was too busy to give me a courtesy wake-up call when it started getting late…and when I finished my morning wake-up routine (my after-war routine) she wasn't even THERE. Grreat, she left without me, so then I had to drive my own vehicle (I love my micro moto-bike) to work and waste even MORE money on fuel. Peachy.

Upon arriving from work, I found Hilde to be off running "errands"—errands, ha! And a pile of paperwork for me to fill out before lunchtime. Wonderful, just wonderful. So I rolled up my sleeves and dug in to my elbows. The crew was great, they were at least all there, and busy with their various projects in the 'yard. But nooo, the Great Duo Maxwell was stuck doin' the stupid paperwork. Have I mentioned how much I really hate the stuff? Usually, Hilde does it, which leaves me free for the stuff that I'm good at—engineering, tinkering, and blowin' shit up. Well, and makin' stuff too.

The only really bright part of my afternoon, since I hadta skip lunch to complete all the paperwork on time, was when Howie called me. I was excited to hear about a possible ship, but I knew I wouldn't be able to buy-in on it, not with owning my share of the scrapyard, college classes and everything else. A bummer, y'know? Well, I told the Ol' Dude that I'd think about it and get back to him. And at the time, I was totally considerin' talkin' with Hilde about it and seeing if she'd be willing to help me buy-in, bein' my partner in this business and my friend, y'know?

Right.

So, anyway, the work day went on, with Hilde breezin' in about an hour after Howie called, and after I'd been strugglin' with Steve on a project tryin' to delaminate some old glass from a Taurus view-window. Evidently she finished up something or other in the office, and then left a note on my computer screen that she was goin' home early—taking a bit of a break, and if I knew what was good for me, I would too. Well, hell! So I told the guys we'd work on the window another day, since it's mostly just small jobs and stuff since our last haul, and they don't really need my help at all---I just like ta get my hands dirty.

Anyway, we closed up, and I headed over to the local bar with Steve an' Jimbo to have a quick beer, and then home to relax, maybe even talk to Relena or Quatre about their plans for our next pilot's retreat. I just wanted to take a breather, you know? 'Specially since Hilde's been gettin' more and more uptight about where I'm at at all times, and always wants to "talk" about our "relationship." Well, damn. I mean, I told her that I just didn't think of her that way when we went inta business together….

All I can say is I DEFINITELY wasn't expecting what happened when I got back to the apartment. The words, "holy shitstick!" come to mind. I walked in the door, dropped my stuff in their spots on the floor and other assorted locations (I have a system for puttin' everything where it's supposed ta go) and headed to my room to change my clothes.

It's not everyday you walk into your room to find a naked woman lounging---yes, lounging—on your bed. I think I must have popped something in my jaw gaping, because frankly, I just froze. Eyeballs buggin' out an' everything. Not that it wouldn't be complimentary or nothin', but I really, really could have done without nekkid chick on my nice, clean, ….uh, NON-contaminated sheets. Eeek! Yeppers, you got that right, I squeeked, leaped for the door, and had almost made it out, when Hilde started talking. Shitstick again!

"Duo…where you goin', Big Boy?"

Oh, yeah, yeah, she DID so say that. Eurg! I stammered out something along the lines of, "gotta go, forgot something at the office!" and made to reach for the doorknob. I didn't take into account that the girl could move fast when there was something she wanted—stupid, you'd think a Gundam pilot would remember not to underestimate people. Fuck, I mean, she was a suit pilot too, y'know. She grabbed my arm and kept talking.

"What the Hell, Duo! …I mean, don't you _want_ me?"

Have you ever had a complete stranger come up to you, grab, and squeeze you in uncomfortable places, and purr in your ear? Maybe to _some_ it's sexy (like nymphomaniacs), but when you know the person fairly well,_aren't_ sexually interested, and are _not_ comfortable with them touching you in THAT way, well, it becomes kinda traumatizing. In fact, cue mental gagging and horrified mental breakdown. I've never wanted to rip off my own skin so badly before—not even during the wars, you know? Creepy, just absolutely creepy. How the hell did she somehow _not_** grasp** that my politely vague, "not-so-interested-in-a-relationship" talk was me bein' _serious_, and mutated it with her little mind into "not so interested right **now**, Hilde…feel free to molest me at a later date, because I'll probably have developed some interest by then…" Fuck! Fuck! Shit and DAMNIT!

Shit, right? I'm in love with another guy, and there's just NO way that I'd take advantage of her anyways—she's my business partner, friend, and roommate. Unsolicited sexual advances aside, I'd thought we were on the same page as far as relationships went—or at least, that the one between us was STRICTLY platonic. The old adage rings true: Don't piss in your own Pool. Or in my case, I've a conviction that roommate-incest is just WRONG. Which is another reason why nothing ever happened with Heero…not that I didn't WANT it to… But still, now I'd got her hangin' on me, and all I wanted to do was get OUTTA there.

Cue extremely awkward Duo letting _friend_ down gently…er, well, if _gently_ equates with throwin' shit and screaming about how I was a complete fucker who was leadin' her on –blah blah blah blah—by livin' with her. Shit, I just thought she was bein' a good friend and smart business partner—savin' our dough by livin' together and stuff. Less expenses an' hassle, y'know? And I TOLD her that I wasn't interested in a relationship…well, at least with _her_…at the beginning. Well, I didn't say HER, but I did say I _wasn't_ interested, yeah?—I wanted to figure out where my life was goin', 'kay?

Wow, biggest shitfit you ever saw. It ended with her storming outta my room, accusing me of doing anatomically impossible things with goats (must remember that one), going into her room, slamming the door, and then emerging about five minutes later, screaming at me that I was a dick, and informing me (and everyone at a 20 meter radius) that she was going out, because I wasn't man enough to fuck anything, let alone her.

Pssht, bitch. It makes me angry that she didn't take me seriously—when I agreed to go inta business with her, I thought she pretty well understood that there wasn't going to be any other sorta relationship other than platonic friends. Guess that assumption got blown outta the water, making an ass of her and ME. Well, that just made my decision about whether I really wanted to continue workin' on the scrapyard with her a LOT easier. I mean, I'm not some sorta vicious bitch that would try ta revenge myself on her by selling my portion of the yard, right? …Right?

I dunno, though, the idea's mighty tempting. Especially when I know just how she's going to react tomorrow---that's the thing, right? I been livin' with her, and I know what she'll do. She'll come to work tomorrow, late and extremely hungover, prolly mussed like she's been makin' out with some guy (to make me 'jealous' no doubt—she's done it before without any positive results from me, other than teasin' her) and not say a word to me the entire day. Then, we'll get home from work at the yard, and she'll want to TALK… Which means a lecture for me on my bein' abnormal, and why I didn't want her—disguised as a discussion of our livelihood and my threatening it by not wanting to take our relationship to a "higher" level. Well, shit, there IS no higher level, as far as she's concerned. Maybe if she had blue eyes, messy brown hair, and a Y-chromosome instead of an extra X…

The most annoyin' part about the whole shebang is that she's done it before—tried to "change" our relationship as friends. Once is chance, twice is coincidence, and three times, well, it's a conspiracy. I don't do too well with conspiracies, unless I'm plannin' them, and they have to do with pranks on Wuffers or the other pilots. Frankly, I'm tired of being ambushed, molested and threatened with Hilde findin' some other guy to edge me outta her life and the scrap business. I think I'd welcome all of those options with a big smile and jump for freakin' joy.

Right, that's it. I'm gettin' outta this place, outta this shithole of a business, and goin' somewhere else. I know Quatre'll have some ideas for me—or maybe I can hang out with Trowa and work for the circus for a bit. Be closer to my family—I mean, the other pilots are about as close as I'll ever get, after killin' off all the others I've ever cared about, bein' Shinigami an' all.

So, first order of business is to pack, find a hotel room for the night, call Howie about puttin' a down-payment on that ship, sell my share of the 'yard, and then call Quatre and see what's goin' on. Lucky Hilde won't come back here until late tomorrow---she won't even know that all my stuff is gone until then!

Sometimes it just pays to leave a rude "Dear John" letter behind—a bit of ironic revenge for that note she left me on my computer screen earlier today. Take a bit of a break, hmmm? Sure, babe, sure. Too bad I won't be takin' it anywhere near HER.

* * *

There you are. And you thought that Heero had a fucked up time? Ha! Let me know what YOU think will happen next!

Cheers!


	15. Chapter 15

TADAHH!! On with the, uh, show?

Soundtrack suggestion: Violent Femmes, "Gone Daddy Gone."

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS**

* * *

_Contents of Note Left for Hilde Shbieker._

Dear Hilde, _(crossed out and doodled over with a skull and crossbones)_

Hilde--

Thanks so much for your puerile attempts to molest, blackmail and stalk me. I appreciate them, but they're just not working for me. So sorry._(doodled sad face with tongue hanging out)_

That said, when you decide that you'd like to be my friend, as the auditions have closed for the position of "significant other," give me a call. Howard can probably get in touch with me, somehow. Otherwise, consider this my "Take This Job and Shove It" and "Dear John" notification all rolled into one. Effective as of 5pm today. Pretty slick, eh? Efficient, as Heero would say. _(doodled gun with explosion and "BANG" written in large letters, with braided figure flying away)_

I'm selling my share of the yard to Steve. He's a good guy, and a great mechanic. You'll have no troubles there with his help. _(doodled angel face with halo)_

By the time you read this, I'll have moved out and moved on. I'd suggest asking one of the guys at the yard (preferably one that _would_ be interested in a relationship as I am lacking in that particular desire) to move in with you. Best of luck! _(doodled hand with peace sign raised–index and middle finger extended with other fingers curled together)_

Keep it real (albeit, far away from me)! _(section in parenthesis scribbled out)_

Shinigami-D. Maxwell _(Shinigami scribbled out)_

* * *

I can so see Duo doing this in his Shinigami mindset---an insincere "thank you, now fuck off" note---to someone who was taking advantage of his good nature and friendship. Inspired by the rant in "The Joke's On Her" by Goddessnmb1 and "Temporary Insanity" by arbitrary.

Ps: Thanks for the reviews, folks. In response; the characters themselves ARE cariacatures of racial types. If I write them so they seem vaguely ridiculous, my intent is to start with their baseline character sketches and expand on them from there...without meddling too much with their artistic integrity. I mean, c'mon, do YOU know any Chinese like Wufei? I sure don't. Pssht, my Cantonese roomie in college would have a hernia laughing, not to mention swearing. And Trowa? (Who is supposedly Latino.) Or Quatre? What a JOKE. I sure don't...in fact, most people don't fit stereotypes at ALL--the human psychological response, though, is to try to cram people into categories...thus, the extremely bad (or just REALLY culturally biased) initial character sketches themselves. So why not have fun with them a little? Steryotypes are stupid, why not exaggerate them for the purposes of plotline and drama? Hmm...there you have my though process on the matter.

Pps: Life changes suddenly, I agree. I've had journal entries exactly like Duo's. And I know people who are just too stuck in a rut to move until something really jarring happens to them (cue a smack on the back of the head with a board sort of shock) to get them moving--and FAST. And then again, some people never get out of their comfy little foxholes to face the barrage of life. Duo, being an ex-soldier, is someone I'd give the benefit of the doubt on moving on-- rapidly. Oh, and Yuy may be clueless in some areas, but he's dangerously prescient and astute in others...just not areas relating to relationships, don't you agree?

Ppps: Sorry, getting carried away here...Thank you for giving me a very honest, constructive opinion. To all the rest: thanks, I try to write so that my beta, Aubretia snorts stuff out her nose...err, has a hernia...err, injures herself laughing too hard. I'm glad you caught the humor and enjoyed it. It's hard not to laugh, don't yu think? Life is sooo much more fun with a few laughs in it. (That must be why I like Duo so terribly much...he's a laughing jester who can kill on the drop of a hat and turn on a dime--capricious and yet loyal to his pack).


	16. Chapter 16

Another day, another dollar. Well, at least life goes on, and Duo Maxwell, once he decides to move, moves FAST. Death's got nothing on his speed! Oh, and don't worry, I'm not NEAR done with this story yet...I just leave you hanging from chapter to chapter...eheh.

Soundtrack suggestion: Nujabes "Silver Children."

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS**

* * *

_Copy of Standard Colony Spacedock Recording, L2 Colony, Epsilon-Blue6 Airlock:_

--static sounds--

"Testing…testing…Alright, the mike seems to work well. How'm I comin' in, Duo?"

"Loud and Clear as the sky over the Sahara! …Hey Howie?"

"It's HOWARD. Yeah_Kid_?"

"Ya think there'll be any problems on our maiden cruise? That dude who showed it to us earlier seemed awfully eager, y'know?"

"Brat, There ain't any problems---or if there are, we'll check 'em. Ready for a whole slew of hull integrity, air circulation, and systems checks?"

"Pssht, I was BORN ready, Ol' dude! Bring 'em on, Codger!"

--tussling sounds--

"Hey! Hey! Hey! No noogie-in' the hair, or it'll be all funny after I take the helmet off."

--Clunking sound of suits sealing--

"Yeah, yeah. Get yer head on there, and we'll go check it out…pink slip and all! How's it feel to be a certified space-ship owner?"

"Like a dream, buddy, like a Dream. Almost as good as stealin' my Ol' Buddy 'Scythe the first time!"

--Hissing sound of oxygen being removed--

"Looks like we're ready to go. You got all your tools on your belt secured? …Gravity disengaging in five, Kid."

"Roger that! Ready to rock'n'roll!"

--Clanking sounds of doors opening--

"Riiiight…lets go then. I'm soooo lookin' forward to all sortsa fun tests. An' then fixin' stuff, more tests, tests, eatin', sleepin', tests, more tests, fixin' more crap that shoulda been fixed when it was sold……"

(_Discernable Audio Signal peters out after that point._)

* * *

Hmmm…Review? And thanks for Reading!

Cheers!

Ps: haha, I've got you all saying it now too!


	17. Chapter 17

Duo decides to think a bit while running tests on the computer. Or babble off at the mouth--both about the same thing. Enjoy, please don't forget to review. Like Aub. Who is awesome...and funny. And made me get off my butt, out of my rut, and start churning this story out again. YAY!

* * *

_Excerpt from Personal Database of Maxwell, Duo:_

Welk, I think I may have a ship. Okay, understatement. I am MADLY, DEEPLY, IRRETREVABLY in love...and she's got such sweet little— ...engines. Yes, you heard right. I am, in fact, salivating over her. She's just old enough that all the kinks (and stupid "new ship" problems) are worked out and fixed, but not old enough to really qualify as used. In fact, I would designate her as shiny.

And yes, I know I sound like a psycho referring to her as a "her"—but really, it's tradition... and we spacer-colonists are superstitious like that. All ships are ladies, since most of the time it's us silly mortal men that are stuck at the behest of their silly whims...like when they don't feel up to moving or stuff like that. Or how they need constant primping just to look their best.

Honestly, I can't wait to actually start trying all her stuff out. I'll probably be making some "Duo Maxwell" alterations so she runs better, faster, and all that stuff...just like I did on my ol' Buddy. And the rest of the guys Gundams, when they would let me near 'em. Lemme tell you, sometimes they were so freakin' paranoid, it was almost impossible to pull pranks on them. Like when I painted Wuffer's Nataku pink with hippy flowers as accents. That was just fuckin' AWESOME. I thought he was seriously gonna injure himself by popping all his blood vessels in his forehead at once!

'Course, I also updated his gyros and streamlined his servo-rotors, but did he ever mention it? Nooooooooo. Ungrateful bastards. Except, y'know, without actually being bastards. Well, at least not Wuffers or Quatre. HE at least caught on to what I was doing. And Trowa did too, 'cuz he never said much, other than to do that weird smirky non-smile of his whenever I got him good...and get me back...but not as hard. What can I say? I'm a compulsive tinkerer. And dorky engineering "lets make it work BETTER" person, which is prolly why I'm getting a degree in "dorky space shit." I will be an honest-to-god Geek God...and not just the God of Death.

Anyway, the real reason I'm rambling on an' on here is 'cause I need to think of a name for my new (platonic) baby. Can't NOT have a name when I take her on her maiden voyage. Plus, I need it to register her and stuff.

It's gotta be something that you can snarl in like one of those death-metal voices...or something like that. You know, like "_TROGDORRRRRRR_." Or something you can shorten so you can swear at it when it's not working, or coax it along with sweet nothings when you want it to work... Well, yeah, just swear at it a lot.

Maybe I'll name it in honor of my old buddy, 'Scythe...But, um, German sounding? Hmmm, deathmetal, deathmetal... Uuber-Scythe? Lady Sythe? No, sounds too much like death...might not be good...Um, Scythen-Sweiss? AHAHa, no...Scythenmark? Sorta like Denmark, but no Den involved? ...Or lions or tigers or bears. (Oh, man, that movie just makes me laugh every time).

I kinda like Scythenmark. Lessee, sounds good when you growl it (and now my throat is hurting...I've been yelling stupid names at the walls) and I could even call her "Fraulein" just for fun (ahaha, somewhere, I totally just heard a high-pitched horse whinny) and have her be "Lady Scythenmark" for her formal title. Works. It sorta has connotations like the scary lady (Une) but sounds cooler and more dangerous—like, marked by death's lady? Or something like that. Works for me! The God of Death may be on a temporary hiatus from the killing fields, but at least he's back in business in a whole NEW way...that I'm really, _really_ glad doesn't involve killing people. I'm ready to be done with that—there's enough dead people on my hands from the war and the Church an' all, so I'm ready to settle down for some nice boring normalcy, y'know?

Well, Lady, you and I are just gonna have a GRAND time, aren't we? Whups, there's Howie again. Better not keep him waiting.

* * *

...And that's that. Please review, and thanks for reading!


	18. Chapter 18

Ready for the next installment? Here it is!

Soundtrack suggestion: First, Nujabes "Loading Zone", and then later, Jerry Reed, "Eastbound and Down."

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS**

* * *

_Cockpit inside yet-unnamed private shuttlecraft, theta-class:_

"Kshhht….Duo?"

Duo absently reached back to rub his shoulder blade through his pressurized spacesuit.

"Yeah, Howie?"

"How'd those tests on the outer hull and the leak test come out?"

Duo paused and shuffled through a slim stack of datapads sitting on the pilot console.

"Got 'em here. No leaks, and the hull looks like a dream. Engine checks out too, according to this other one."

Howard responded with an audible grunt.

"Yeah, comin'. Almost done here…Kshht."

There was an absent clattering sound as he shuffled through the disks agian. Duo then sighed and leaned back in the chair.

"Well, we've got an almost empty tank of gas, so how 'bout you finish your outside hull inspection, and we make tracks for your barge…and get the other guys to help us check it out? I been readin' through all the stuff here, and it looks like it's gotta good history—no major systems failures or problems, reinforced titanium and gundam alloy frame, gundanium hull plating on the belly…"

Absently, Duo reached up to scratch his head in an unconscious habitual gesture, and thunked into his helmet, instead.

"Hurry up, I wanna preasurize the cabin insteada keepin' it in vaccume, and make tracks outta here."

"I'm comin', I'm comin'….Ksshht… Don't get your boxers all tied up in knots around your balls. You're awfully eager to jet from here, aren't ya? Somethin' happen that you wanna tell me about, Kid?"

"Had a few problems with stayin' at the apartment with Hilde an' workin' at the yard. Nothin' major, but I dunno if I'll be comin' back here for a while. I wanna stretch my wings a bit, y'know? Be my own man for a bit, really earn my own way. An' it'd be nice to get dirt-side again…maybe catch up with my buddies. Quatre's been buggin' me about another pilot's reunion, and I'd liketa go. Why?"

There was a noticeably silent pause.

"Alright, all done, hang on, I'm in the airlock. If you wanta wait, I'll close up here, an' you can just pressurize the interior cabins and we'll be on our way. …Oh, and you'll probably wanna tell the Spaceport authority that we'll not be back any time soon."

"Roger that, Howie."

Duo's fingers flew over the keyboard embedded in the pilots station. With efficient motions, he calculated their flight plan in his head, entered it into the computer and sent it to the Spaceport authority for filing and registration. When he received approval and a launch number from the computer, he powered up the engines and began a slow burn to warm them properly. He immediately triggered the oxygen/nitrogen tanks to begin filling the ship and venting the vaccume to pressurize the ship, barring unforeseen circumstances, for its first official voyage. A short hop to Howard's Sweeper space barge, and then to freedom!

Howard clomped into the cockpit, even as Duo triggered the antigrav thrusters and activated the artificial gravity units.

"Thanks, Duo. Let's Jet, shall we?"

Howard removed his helmet almost simultaneously with Duo as the indicator for full pressurization for the ship went green with a relieved pair of sighs.

"Well, kid, you know, before we really get anywhere, you gotta name for this baby?"

When the light on the pilots console flashed immediately green, Duo punched the antigrav units higher, bouncing the ship from it's berth, before triggering a full burn on the main engines and shooting forward into open space.

"Well, I was thinkin' I'd call her Scythenmark, after my Ol' Buddy."

With that he toggled the external comm system, and addressed the Spaceport Controller.

"Duo Maxwell aboard the Lady Scythenmark, private shuttlecraft registered Whiskey-Tango-Sierra-Seven-Six-Four-Nine, primary port of origin listed as Sanq Principal Spaceport, Secondary as L2 Epsilon-Blue-Two Spaceport….Kshht… Main engine burn initiated, docking clamps retracted, an' Bon Voyage! Wishin' all you out there the best---be seein' ya around!"

With a crackle, the spaceport operator acknowledged him.

"Kshhhht…Roger that, Scythenmark, proceed with your registered course. And Break a Parsec, Mr. Maxwell. We'll look forward to seeing you again soon. Course registered and all is in order. Proceed at my mark. ….Mark!"

Grinning, Duo turned to Howard, who was strapping himself in. With a Shinigami grin, he cued the old earth song that he had selected from his uploaded playlist and responded to the operator on an open channel, broadcasting on all frequencies.

"Righto, and just for y'all to enjoy, here's a little somethin' I thought you'd like!"

As the first sounds of "Eastbound and Down" by the B.C. artist Jerry Reed began to play both through his internal and external speakers, he laughed. Turning off his comm, he turned to Howard and exclaimed,

"Alright, Howie, let's GO!"

And with that, the ship rocketed forward as he triggered the maximum burn output level, into a trajectory that would carry them closer to Howard's Sweeper ship, and closer to Earth….And maybe Heero.

* * *

This IS an actual radio call-sign, back when boats had to have an official registered one, it was the call-sign for my parent's boat. It's indelibly imprinted in my memory, even though they've discontinued the practice for private watercraft, at least in US waters. And YES, that IS how you say it---alpha-numerics are easier to understand if your signal is not so good. If you're a HAM radio operator though, you usually don't use them unless someone requests clarification on your call-sign. For airplanes and other craft, however, it is required to say the call-sign in this way...(with alpha-numerics). Learn something new everyday, don't you? 

PS: B.C. stands for "Before Colony," instead of "Before Christ." I figured I'd better mention it, just to be safe.

Cheers!


	19. Chapter 19 beware bad language

Here you go, folks, another chapter. YAY for Aub who got my sorry ass to update. (I can hear the sound of a whip cracking somewhere.) Enjoy, and please review.

* * *

_2235 Hours, AC 205: Sanq Kingdom. Personal Database of Yuy, Heero_.

Recent reconnaissance from the 'net indicates that Duo may have taken another job for the Sweepers. This may account for my recent inability to get a hold of him, since he is noted as "busy" every time I have called (five to six hour intervals) and does not appear to be accepting calls. Also, he has neglected to answer emails, and his server has bounced all of my messages with the notation that his inbox is already full and must be cleared out.

However, it has been registered that he holds primary ownership in a Kracken Theta-class shuttlecraft in the Sanq Kingdom Spaceport database. Recently performed personal sweeps of vessel registries indicate that the primary listed port is Sanq, as opposed to L2. This data seems to be conflicting with recent indications that Duo was in fact in some sort of relationship with his co-worker Schbieker on L2.

Possibility that current relationship data on Duo may be incorrect is worrisome. Also, no further progress has been made in determining preference of 02 pilot's sexual orientation or interest in any particular Candidate. Have noted previously that there seems to be some trouble with contacting Duo for face-to-face consultation on this matter as well as others. A chance to observe Duo interacting with possible Candidates for affection might be more helpful in getting more concrete data. This may have to be delayed until sometime after the upcoming pilot's reunion that 04 and Vice Foreign Minister are planning.

Also, a search of L2 registered flight plans indicates that Duo did take the new shuttlecraft on some sort of rendezvous with the Sweeper fleet/outpost after appropriate space-worthiness tests were performed. Efforts to contact Schbieker on L2 in regards to this strange departure from Duo's normal routine have not been satisfactory. Have noted down some of the insults (as follows) that were used to describe myself and 02. Most of them are anatomically and physiologically impossible. The latest conversation follows:

"Schbieker. Is 02 available?"

"Heero? That elephant-fucking, dog-raping, fudge-packing arsehole skipped out on me a couple days ago with no warning!! And why the fuck are you calling ME, YUY?? You dick-sucking, cunt-eating, fetid anus-lickers could find him on your own, can't you??"

Noted that the volume of her voice became louder as conversation progressed.

"Has something happened? I have not been able to reach him at your address or at the scrap yard. My calls to his private line there have been getting disconnected notices."

"Did something happen? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED YUY, THAT UNGRATEFUL BASTARD STREET SCUM FUCKING LEFT ME SOME BITCHY LITTLE NOTE AND RAN AWAY BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE A REAL MAN AND HAVE A REAL RELATIONSHIP--WITH A WOMAN!! NO, HE'D RATHER HAVE ONE OF THOSE PILLOWBITERS, AND TURN M—A REAL WOMAN DOWN! AND YOU KNOW WHAT, YUY?? YOU KNOW WHAT??"

"…Aa?"

"I WOULDN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED SHITBAG ANYWAY!! HE CAN JUST RUN AWAY AGAIN, AND FORGET THAT HE WAS EVER PROPOSITIONED BY SOMEONE GREAT LIKE ME! I'M THROUGH WITH HIM!! AND FUCK YOU TOO!!"

At that point, she hung up on me. Evidently something happened, and Duo left her a note which she seems to have overreacted about. Will have to wait until a later date to question her further about possible allegations on Duo being a homosexual. These were possibly more of an extreme emotional reaction--her accusing him of being unable to have a relationship as a result of some flaw on his part-- towards her being denied a relationship, rather than actual fact. It is not certain either way.

However, the fact that Duo has fled his situation on L2 is a good indicator that something was not right in his relationship with Schbieker. Extraction of the full account of events will have to wait until contact is made with Duo, as the veracity of other sources (other than 02) is not certain. Also, several other sources in this conundrum appear to not be forthcoming with essential data that may be pertinent to my investigation (including 03, 04, 05, Po and V.M.). Hostility of sources may preclude more overt data-gathering on Duo's potential Candidate. A more cautious, covert operation may be called for.

* * *

Uhoh, another covert operation? Heero just LOVES to dig himself deeper in the hole...


	20. Chapter 20

**Here it is...Soundtrack suggestion: Bukowski by Modest Mouse.**

* * *

_Excerpt from email communiqué between Relena Dorlian, formerly Peacecraft, and Duo Maxwell:_

From: Relena Dorlian sanq . gov

To: duo . maxwell sanqspaceport . com

Subject: An update/lowdown

Dear Duo,

I haven't heard from you lately. How are you? What are you up to? When I ask Heero, he just grunts at me. Which is pretty freaky, since if he doesn't know, then nobody does... except maybe Howard. And Howard's been pretty closed-mouth about what you're up to, something to do with Hilde being mad at you? What, no wedding announcement anytime soon??

Oh, and supposedly Quatre and Trowa are not a couple. As you would say, WTF??!? How long have they been dancing around each other, and what do we have to do to get them to catch the clue bus? Lock them in a cupboard naked and drugged up on aphrodisiacs with several tubes of lube??? It's driving me nuts. I think Quatre's still afraid that Trowa's mad at him for attacking him and making him lose his memory. And who knows what's on Trowa's mind—probably some self-sacrificing leftover attitude from the Mercs that he's a nobody. Both of them are idiots. Or something.

Every time I talk to Quatre, he's spouting off some self-effacing malarkey about them being "best friends" and all. Forget the clue bus, that boy is sweet as hell, but he needs the clue two-by-four to hit him in the back of the skull. Maybe it'd make him go all Zero and get his act together. Short-sighted idiots in love—pfft. Doro is really having fun teasing the hell out of him and getting into pissing contests with Trowa—last time she offered a fencing rematch to Quatre, and practically cackled when Trowa shoved Quatre aside and told her to leave him alone. Haha, Quatre tried to defuse it by saying that he was too busy that week...I'm afraid of what Doro will do if she asks him again this week...

Oh, and I met this guy at the mall. Well, actually the little girl that was with him was totally insulting me, but before that, it was really nice—I was listening to his discussion with some other people about politics, and....well, suffice to say he was really interesting and smart (and cute!). Of course, Heero went nutso on him, since the guy approached me later to apologize for the kid he was with/watching, and we were supposed to be undercover. Another case of overprotective Blessed Protector Syndrome. Or as you put it once, Heero-is-a-big-dickwad/overprotective-ape-itis. It's like living with an angry, paranoid orangutan. Super strong, grouchy, and ultra focused on the mission. "Mmmmm, Heero want banana. Make mission."

Anyway, I'm still really pissed at him, so he better be prepared for passive-aggressive Relena Revenge! Or something. Maybe you could help me out there. I really want to make him wear tutus and leotards for a week, or something, when all his other clothing "mysteriously" vanishes. Hey—the man already likes spandex, right?

Oop, that's all I've got time for. I've got a meeting with the Representative for L1's cultural commission at three. Wish me luck!

Love,

'Lena

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**Heh. Wait till the next part... Until then, please review so I can get some feedback. After all, Feedback=FUEL. Sorry for the shitty formatting. I swear I hate this website.  
**


	21. Chapter 21

**Waking people up is just cruel. Especially people who are NOT morning people. I have this on good authority, since I'm one of those disgusting morning people, and my friend Aub is not. Let me tell you, it's like dealing with a hibernating bear. Just wave coffee in their general vicinity and you'll escape with most limbs intact. Sorta. Anyway, Heero doesn't seem to grasp this idea. A soldier (even an ex- soldier) should be ready all the time, right? ...Right?**

**Uhoh.... (listen to: Life's gonna suck when you grow up by Dennis Leary)**

* * *

_Excerpt of Phone call between Yuy, Heero and Maxwell, Duo. Timestamp: approximately 03:02 hours, L2 Standard Time. Location of transmission: L4 orbit, post completion of short transport job from L1 to L4._

*beeping noise of incoming vid-call*

D: Mmmmffle...Wh-What the.... who the.... fuck an' _why_, man?

H: 02. Previous Communications Ineffectual. Current Location secure? ...Status?

D: You gotta be fuckin kidding me. Heero, 'case ya haven't noticed, I'm on L2 time, an' it's fuckin' 03:00! Is this some kinda joke?

H: Negatory. Comply with previous request.

D: *rubs face in attempt to grasp sanity.... er, wakefulness* Uhm... Alright, alright, _fine_. Current Location: my fucking bed. Status: Half-fucking-asleep. On _my fucking ship_. What the fuck do you _want_?

H: Clarification of Ship registry status at Sanq Kingdom Shipyard.

D: Uh... does that... *rubs face again, yawns* mean you wanna know... if I'm comin' there 'r somethin'? Jeeeez, if ya wanted ta take me out ice skatin' ya shoulda jus' said so, twinkle toes.

H: Hn.

D: Oh, jeez, don't call me, wake me the fuck up, an' talk my fuckin' ear off there, blabbermouth.

H: Affirmative. Confirmed en-route to Sanq Kingdom. Confirm attendance at 04's event, designated 'reunion' without Schbieker?

D: *cackles slightly* Well, if ya want her there, I could have the bitch shipped ahead a' me in a meat locker. Or a couple of 'em.

H: Schbieker's demise confirmed? Only 1.75 meat locker needed for transport based on body mass calculations.

D: *stares for a second* Shit, you thought that crap out ahead a' time? An' here I thought _I _hated the bitch. What, you talk to her... oh man. You did. Hell, how the fuck'd _that_ go?

H: ....

H: Standby for reception of conversation transcript.

D: *blinks, sees file, reads for a moment.... busts up laughing mid-way through* Elephant-fucking _WHAT_?

H: Hn. Continue.

D: *mumbles under his breath as he reads it semi-out loud... finishes by falling back flat on bed with a set of very low cackles, clutching stomach* Holy... CRAP. A REAL WOMAN! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

H: Hn. Has 04 been informed of Schbieker's absence from Event?

D: *sitting up, wiping tear from eye* Uh... ehehe... Naw, Quatre's got 'nough on his ass right now without listenin' ta me gripe about some crazy bitch comin' onta me. Jus' good old Duo Murphy's great fuckin' luck. I'll tell him when I see him... ya know, over a coupla liters a' old fashioned grog... er, nog.

H: Confirm Appellation Change?

D: *blinks* Naw, dude. Murphy's Law? Ya know... the shit good people're punished with?

H: Excrement....rotating aeration device. Roger that.

D: *doesn't know if he should laugh or bitch slap... too far away for latter* Heh heh... right. Good one there... buddy ohl' pal. No uh... since you know where I am and where I'm gonna be and shitty details about my nonexistent shitty-ass love life, ya want anything else?

H: Your cooperation needed in pending operation regarding Vice Foreign Minister.

D:*silent for a minute, scratching behind his ear thoughtfully* Uh... well... I dunno, Heero. I mean, if yer life's in danger or somethin', I'd totally jump right in there, y'know _that_...but I just kinda got my wings, an'I gotta run the kinks outta Scythenmark 'n' stuff.. er... I'll... have ta talk to ya later 'bout that one, bud.

H: Acknowledged. Later. 01 Out.

D: Uh—_hey_, Heero, ya know what I mean by—shit. *static* Hope he forgets. *sits in silent ship for a moment, sighs* He won't. *falls back onto bed with a sigh* Well, time for more hedge-jumping deathscythes to count.

* * *

**See? Heero DOES have a sense of humor. A bit bizarre, but he can be humorous. Heh. Especially about shit hitting the fan. Heck, he's not an idiot—he's pretty much a genius, but he's just a bit sociopathic in that he doesn't grasp the everyday nuances of human interaction, or see the need for all of them. He's not totally irredeemable, people. He's just....Japanese. Excessively Japanese. A caricature of the whole "samurai" ideal. Which is not bad, it's just....minimalist. In a lot of areas. Okay, he's an idiot in his own way.**

**...this has been a byproduct of Aub and my insanity. Thankeee *bows***


	22. Chapter 22

**Heh. Muuahahah. Yep, I am awesome. Some more goodness, just for you, for putting up with my sorry self. Listen to: _Carnival of the Animals_ by St. Saenz.**

* * *

  


_Official letter to university from Duo Maxwell, giving notice of registration in correspondence program with Sanq University._

Duo Maxwell

Lady Scythenmark, Berth 15-33 (Permanent)

Comm. Frequency: 149.6895

(Monitored from 0900-2100 local time)

Sanq Principal Spaceport

C/O: Professor Jay Thompkins, Emeritus

School of Engineering and Technical Sciences

Sanq University

395816 University Center Drive

Sanq City, Sanq G3 4XZYF

Dear Sir, or To Whom It May Concern;

This letter is to inform you of my intention to register for your correspondence program in the field of MS and technical and space-related engineering. My name is Duo Maxwell, and I have recently moved my ship registry and qualified pilot license to the main shipyard of Sanq Kingdom, after your program was recommended to me by an associate in the Sweepers organization, a captain by the name of Howard Sweeper.

He particularly recommended your dean and your program of study as being particularly pertinent to current jobs in the field of MS and other technology associated with ship design and engineering. As I was once an MS pilot myself, I would be privileged to have the opportunity to expand my technical knowledge in this field, while at the same time gaining useful skills and working toward a degree that would have interplanetary acclaim as one of the most stringent in selecting for student quality and best in the business for turning out "finished" engineers into any space-related or colonial business.

Please find enclosed copies of my previous schooling and aptitude test scores for your perusal. I hope that you will approve this proposal and contact me promptly. I can be reached at Permanent Berth 15-33 at Sanq Kingdom Principal Spaceport, or a sealed message can be left with the Spaceport Authority under my ship's name.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration,

Sincerely,

Duo Maxwell

* * *

**Don'cha just **_**lurve**_** letters to important people? Uh, don't actually answer that. But please, if you get the chance, leave me a nice, thoughtful review. Preferably with more than one sentence telling me what you think, not a "Update s00n, kThanxbai!" I just hate those...**


	23. Chapter 23

**Oops! When putting all the chapters in order, I realized one was redundant, and needed replacement. Thus, you get a rare communiqué between Prankster #1 and his "Little Bro". Listen To: **_**Because I Wanna**_** by the Hives.**

* * *

_Sanq Spaceport dead mail cache. Retrieval Timestamp: 02:27:36 Sanq Central Time,  
_

From: duo . maxwell sanqspaceport . com

To: quatre. r. winner winnerindustries . com

Hey Kitty-Quat—

Dude, what's up? We're still on for the usual Pilot's Reunion, right? I'm ready for some R&R—I've been busy setting up my new shuttle business, and signing up for classes at Sanq Uni. And playing pranks around a university is just no fun—there's always some douche-y frat boys around expecting it of you, and some lame chicks who can't stand getting green goo in their bras, and let's face it—no prank is half as much fun without Heero freakin' Yuy threatening to kill you or Wufei chasing you around with some kind of Tang dynasty sword. Although, I was pretty proud of locking the whole of the woman's floor out of their rooms in towels like a week ago. (Don't ask). So at the Pilot's Reunion I was thinking I'd ah, fulfill my year's quota.... Can't tell you all of them! I might let you in on a few. Friendly hint: Always look before you pee. That is all. Oh, and got any funky hats? Bring 'em!

Okay, now on to the BIG, double-D, Chocolate Mountain question of the month: WHAT are your plans for seducing Trowa? I know you, Quat. Yeah, you. There's no deaf blond kid standing behind you, so listen up. I know you want to bang him...and, er, stuff. You've got your Empathy or whatever, but old Duo Maxwell has an Amazing Sleaze Sense, and it's tingling. (Yeah, I know, A.S.S.—don't laugh). Like, whoa! ...Quatre and Trowa sittin' in a tree, and all that noise... wait, you're not American so you might not know that one, but it means you're most likely mooning over Trowa in your mind at this very instant, and if you don't have a plan for seducing his flat ass, I'll help you, buddy. What are big-brother-friends for?

Now, remember, we're talking about a guy with a serious costume fetish. I'm bringing lots of skanky clothes for Relena—I'm sure I could stuff some in for you too. Maid's outfit? Nurse uniform? YMCA? Sailor get-up? You'd look great as a sailor, Cat. You're totally a... uh... a Winter. Yeah. You better have your thinking hat on (and maybe a few plans of attack) or I'll be the one with the Nefarious Plan. Oh, and did I mention you won't like it? Mwaahahaha. It'll probably involve some short-shorts, among other things... None of this wishy-washy shit. I know that you're totally in love with the dude, and despite the fact that you're too thick to see it, my Sleaze Sense tells me he's drooling over you right back. Ah, what are friends for, but to point out your foibles??

Hey, how's that contract thing that you were trying to win with the whole rebuilding the L5 Satellite? (And does Wuffers know that you've been trying to get the contract?) Seriously, dude, you gotta talk to the man, ask him what he might want to do with the colony (since Wuffers is probably like one of the few survivors). He's probably got some sorta hang-ups about what and how to build—maybe a memorial park on the colony or something? And do you know who will be moving onto the satellite when it's finished?

Oh! Have you heard the news? Rel-baby's got a new, um, interest. Crush, flame, red-hot-love-slave, cuddle-buddy, or whatever. So of course, you-know-who is going to go ape shit overboard, like he usually does. Perhaps in between all of our scheming for Trowa and pranks, we could help run some interference for Queenie? The dude she likes seems like a pretty decent guy (I've done some snooping—seems like a pretty good, run-of-the-mill professor in a field she's interested in). He's pretty cute, in a totally straight-edge white bread type of way.

Yeah, I could so see them working out, if the guy can handle neurotic Relena like we can... and don't laugh, the man's never seen her on a caffeine high. But then, the man's never met all of us (yet) either. Heh. What say you and I go pay him a visit??? This could be fun!! Or we could drag him along on one of our outings at the Pilot's reunion. What say you? (That better be an evil ZERO "Yes, Duo, in fact ....I have a _Cunning Plan_" grin on your face, Quat.) It's better than throwing poor Rel-baby to the dogs (A.K.A.: Heero the pit bull). Poor girly's gettin' frustrated with no "nice guy" prospects—all she's left with after our favorite overprotective pit bull gets done is Nasty-Ass politicians and MORE Slimy, Slippery politicians. So yeah, we should totally conspire to set her and this dude up, and make sure he isn't run over by Hurricane Yuy. 'Cause you know that she's not down for any of us pilots either. And none of us are getting any younger.

So what outings ARE we planning for the pilot's reunion? Maybe some paintball or mud wrestling (or a combination of the two)? Me, I'd like to go sailing—I miss hangin' with Howie and the dudes on that big ol' carrier back in the day. Plus, we gotta plan some clubbing excursions, and stuff the girls (Relena, Sally, Noin) will want to do. Bowling? Roller Skating? Arcade day? 'Betcha I can beat Doro at Skeeball! Mwaha!!! I'm thinkin' we should go sightsee some day (with disguises and all, it'll be fun!) and maybe put Wuffers in charge—that way we'll see a lot, but won't go overboard like if Heero were to plan it. The man is a MACHINE, sometimes. And I still like him. I must have a few screws loose, eh?

So yeah, get back to me as soon as you can, which is like, ASAP. Before things get all FUBAR!

-Cha!

D.

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***huff* There. Review! And many thanks to Aub (aka: Duo Maxwell in REAL LIFE) for her help/inspiration/well-placed-drop-kick to help me write this stupid chapter. It was totally kicking my butt before she came along and kicked me into gear instead. Bonus points if you get the Blackadder reference. And hooray for Duo-snooping. Oh, and the dildo reference too. I didn't get that one, and Aub had to explain it to me. Oh, and 50-60% of this is written by her (extremely) caffinated geniusness, the AUBMEISTER. ("Muaahahah" sez she.)**

**Aub sez: Stay tuned for more Lanenkar (as Heero) and Aub (as Duo) RP conversations. They are highly amusing. And caffeinated. ("And demented." sez Lanenkar.)  
**


	24. Chapter 24

**I believe my new favorite phrase is "vapid assholery"—right up there with "rampant idiocy" as my all-time favorite. So, I imagine you can quickly grasp what this chapter is about. I'll give you a hint; who said he would talk to Duo later? Yep, you're probably right. So sit back, enjoy, and watch the shit (ew) hit the fan (double ew). Listen to: **_**You're Gonna Go Far, Kid**_** by the Offspring.**

_*_thoughts or actions_*_

* * *

_Oh, the Joy and Love. Uhh, sorta. _

Time usually passes. It's sort of like a noxious gas that way. Or a particularly toxic bowel movement. They dissipate eventually, usually without a great deal of notice. Anyway, one hour after Our Protagonist's Shuttle landed, and a day and a half since their last conversation...

It was shaping up to be a nice morning in the Sanq Kindom shipyard. That is, if you think overcast, gloomy grey skies and a very cold, moist breeze gusting in random directions is nice. Maybe you're a masochist like that.

Needless to say, Our Protagonist (not THAT one, you dipshit, the OTHER one) was not entirely thrilled. In his self-appointed mission to extract more information from his best...friend, he had hit a brick wall. Or rather, a sleepy, bad tempered, frazzled looking bear...in a cave. And the weather conditions were frankly pretty damn shitty to be standing outside.

So, of course, he had to confirm the compliance of said friend in his latest scheme involving the amorous un-encounters of his favorite pet project, by doing the stupidest thing possible—bearding the bear in its den. Which could just get his head blown off, or just dyed pink and orange, then stuffed up a sewer pipe somewhere, if the subject was feeling particularly vicious after its previous communication with our aforementioned Protagonist. All in all, the whole situation was a case of an unwitting passenger gaining a free ride to hell in some sort of...hand basket.

Of course, there could only be more vapid assholery to come.

When Our Protagonist (Really, are you entirely stupid? The OTHER one!) opened his hatch, necessary caffeinated beverage in hand to face the world, in a groundhog-type effort to see if it was worth getting up that day, rising and shining entirely notwithstanding, Our Protagon----aw fuck it, let's just use numbers, shall we? Was standing right....outside.

Right Outside.

Unexpectedly.

Normally, this would inspire one of those, "Oh shit" moments where Our Protagonist (02 for short) would throw his caffeinated beverage into the air in shocked surprise, burning the nearest appendage, if not someone else's face, were not 02 a Gundam pilot, insanely protective of his Beverage of Life ™ , and somewhat used to death threats and unexpected appearances of the aforementioned OTHER Protagonist. (That one we'll just call 01, okay?) And of course, lots of swearing, cussing, etc. would follow.

Oh, it gets better.

The conversation, already severely prognosticated for failure, like a hurricane is prognosticated to be "bad," was as follows:

02: *barely manages save coffee, but is a hair short of having to perform a Trowa-esque acrobatic stunt in order to do so*

"Holy—Heero! What the fuck? What, you been... _waitin'_ there or something?"

*_What am I thinking? Of course he has been._*

01: "Aa."

02: *closes eyes to draw up long-buried stores of patience located somewhere in the storage spaces below his ass*

"Well... the weather's fuckin' peachy, ain't it? Don't just _stand_ there, come the hell in. See Chez Duo, bachelor pad from Hell."

01: "Conditions irrelevant. MOVE, 02."

Can we note this was said more in a "I'm freezing my ass off here, could you be normal and let me IN instead of talking??" sort of surly, annoyed tone, instead of a "I'm going to kill you for not fucking MOVING" tone.

So, permission summarily (albeit, dangerously—like biohazard or nuclear waste sorts of dangerous conditions) granted, Our Protagonist steps aboard Our Protagonists Shit. Errr, Ship.

02: *Lets Heero by, sipping coffee and closing the hatch against the weather*

"Fuckin'... mumble-arrrsenic.... rrrrbodybags... upstart little... mrblegrrble... Make yerself right at home, pally."

01: "Hn."

There was a pause, as both 01 and 02 naturally gravitated (ignoring the Earth's specific gravity of 9.8 m/s squared) toward the most central part of any ship; the galley. Our Protagonist, electing to be a good host aboard the lovely Scythenmark, retrieves for 01 the traditional drink of Heero's people: water. Not that Heero ever HAD people, aside from assassins, who aren't really people anyway, and will drink anything to fit in to make their targets. And not mentioning the fact that 02 was not feeling particularly magnanimous or hospitable-like, at such an early hour of the morning after a long, hard flight and landing.

And of course, it goes without saying 02 was highly disgruntled with serving a gues—okay, Annoyance, with any beverage other than coffee, since said Annoyance wouldn't drink anything with caffeine, owing to its "deleterious physical effects on the body." Pssht. That's just bullshit, frankly. For 99 percent of the world, (especially the 02's among us) coffee is necessary for any mental function before 1100 hours.

02: "There. Party-hardy, bud. Now mind tellin' me what the fuck you were doin' loiterin' outside my ship like some kinda creepazoid stalker?"

01: "Your cooperation and compliance is needed in my latest operation, since it involves your primary skill set."

There was a definite pause. Sort of how the wind drops down in the middle of a hurricane, before the other side of the eye hits and blows you to Kingdom Come after you've come out of your nice, safe hiding spot to see why the storm suddenly stopped. By the way, did we mention that you're an idiot for that? Stay inside where it's SAFE, already!

02: *_Shit. That old rag again._* "Ooookayyy. My... primary skill set? What, like... crawling with my face in the fuckin' dirt? Getting' shot at with my ass bleedin' all over the damn place? Don't even get me started on leavin' a mission by getting punched in the gut, Yuy."

01: "...No. Stealth, infiltration, distraction."

02: "Isn't infiltration Trowa's speciality? Why don't you haul HIS ass into this?"

01: "03's involvement is unnecessary. Do you accept?"

02: *takes a breath*

As Neil Gaiman once appropriately said, "Sometime, Somewhere, The Kracken stirred. And a thousand sushi dinners cried out for vengeance." Or some such statement.

02: "Is your life in danger? You gonna get beheaded or some shit if I don't come along? An' I mean _me_, me in particular, me an' _nobody _else, no other option—no other available operative, not a single Gundam pilot, no one who even looked at ya funny, and can hold a gun, every source tapped? Cuz, buddy, from where I'm standin' the Duo Cookie Jar o' Favors for Heero Yuy's lookin' mighty empty. Which means S...O...L....by the way."

And you, dear reader, darn well SHOULD know what S.O.L. means. It's right up there with such important military abbreviations as S.N.A.F.U and F.U.B.A.R.. Or my non-military favorite: O.M.G.W.T.F.B.B.Q..

01: "..."

Does anyone else hear this squeaky, annoying robot voice, going "ERROR. ERROR. DANGER, Will Robinson. DANGER."?? Well, if you don't, you damn well should. Pssht. Or maybe even the more clichéd, "I have a bad feeling about this..."

01: "Your assistance is Compulsory for Mission Success."

02: *deep breath*

"Okay, Yuy, time for a little lesson in basic human social skills. You gotta tell me what, where, when, why and how before you even _dream_ of gettin' my agreement ta put my ass on the line, fer you or anybody else! I know I act like a fuckin' idiot, but if you're stupid enough t'think I would stand by your ass in the last war and pilot the same damn machines an' still fall for shit like that, then why the hell wouldja think I'd even _wanna_ risk my ass for you?"

01: "...Your particular expertise is needed. You would be briefed upon acceptance of the Mission. Your ass is still attached to you, thus it is also needed."

I'm not sure if that last was a typo or 01's bizarre sense of humor. If he had one, suffice to say it was only digging him deeper into trouble with 02.

02: "Ahhhh'kay... aside from the disturbin' idea of you needin' my ass for _anything_, Yuy, you're gonna brief me now. BEFORE I accept. Understand? Cuz, ya know, Yuy, from _my_ best recollection, I seem ta remember always gettin' the short end of Ol' Timmy on your retarded little rescue 'missions.'"

At this point, there was a bit of a long pause in the conversation. Most works of non-dubious literary merit call this a "lull." Really, it's more of a null point in the conversation, when the auditory part of the conversation undergoes what we'd like to call a hiccup. Basically, it ceases, and non-verbal communication—namely expressions—carry on the conversation. 01, in other words, raised a puzzled eyebrow and glared.

01: "Clarify 'Timmy."

02: "Quat and I named the stick up your ass."

01: "Irrelevant."

*long pause and glare*

"....Inappropriate, 02."

02: "Yeah, spare me the lecture on protocol, creepazoid. In fact, just spare me the entire mission. I'm sooooo out."

01: "...you....compliance.........hn."

Let me tell you, folks (alright, fine, I know there's only one of you dipshits, so fine, folk), there was a lot of awkward silence and water drinking and Death Glaring and Death Glaring Back by Our Protagonists. In fact, there was a whole empty main street with tumbleweed blowing through sort of silence. Cue in some shitty "Wahh Waahh Waahhh" music. Yeah, you know the type.

Safe to say both of Our Protagonists felt thwarted; 01 by the refusal of 02 to agree to his (harebrained) scheme/mission; and 02 by the inability of 01 to have a normal conversation with plenty of nice, healthy contractions, explicated thinking, and any sort of sanity at all at so early an hour of the morning. Not to mention that 01 had no caffeine, which quite frankly indicated to 02 that 01 was obviously an alien from the planet X come to suck his brain out.

Or something like that. Or maybe that was this Zombie movie that I saw once...

Anyway. DOOM. Spread liberally around with a shovel. Or a trowel. I like those. Good for shit spreading. Upp, I mean, gardening.

Well, Our Protagonists saw fit to make a strategic redeployment (for you non-military fucks, that's a retreat) to reconsider their options. Or in 01's case, to sulk and contemplate why 02—who had never said "no," "not EVEN," or even "FUCK no!" before....had done so quite precipitously.

02 just wanted to finish his Goddamn Beverage of Life™ in peace. So, he did. And wondered, from the odd smell of burning plastic and gray matter in the air, if Heero's brain was going to blow up. Or slipping on a few gyros or rotors somewhere.

OH, and did we mention that Heero only wanted Duo's expertise (read: company) in "fitting in" at Perkinson's Office Hours? No? Oh well. Too late now!

* * *

**Now you can see where the old adage, "Your only purpose in life, may, in fact, be to serve solely as a warning to others," comes from. Once again, thanks to Aub for inspiration and lots of laughs along the way.**

**Okay, going to actually (for once) respond to my reviewers for this story. Here goes!**

**to _BLUE_:** GW is a great, big, freakin' cliche. That said, all the characters are 25-ish in this story...and yes, I can totally see a girl hanging all her hopes on a guy (of nebulous sexuality) who is so charming and flirty (like Duo) that she can choose to ignore (or willfully deny) his not-so-hetero-normative behaviors. I know both girls and guys like this, and going apeshit like Hilde does is a very likely reaction to having one's hopes dashed (rather abruptly) and having her business partner skip out on her. (Bad Duo, Bad!) 'Course, she's not blameless either--as Duo's letter tells us. Harassment is harassment. But we might see some redemption (along with a LOT of alcohol) in later chapters. Oh, and Duo knows she likes him. But acknowledging that sort of obsession only seems to validate it, in the eyes of the obsessee. So yeah, would YOU really want to admit it? Not likely! Evade! Evade! Major evasive action needed, Captain!

**to _Random Fan_: **Thank you! I work hard to make something fun, frivolous, and humorous to myself--glad to see others think my demented humor is funny too!

**to _Rachel_: **This style of writing is called "epistolary"--or written in letters/anecdotal form (think like the Epistles of Paul in ye goode olde Biblia). It is one of the first modern narrative types that emerged (before the idea of the novel, as exemplified by Don Quijote). Am SO glad you like it! I admit, I'm going a bit demento-insane coming up with fun new perspectives and techniques to use to tell/narrate the story. It's becoming my "experimental" story.

**to _sylenctone_: **Thank you! Thank you! I will, of course, keep reading and reviewing yours as well. Yay, people actually like my fics? WHOA!! What a compliment--that a fellow writer would like my meanderings...

**to _AUB_: **You are apeshit. Bananas. In a good way, of course. 3 ya! Oh, and tongues are not just for humans, you spicy-crazed nutso!


	25. Chapter 25

**Ohhh, and the clusterfuck gets larger exponentially. Some people just don't have enough socialization to grasp the obvious. Guh. Listen to: **_**Luck Be a Lady**_** by Frank Sinatra.**

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS  
**

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_Personal Database entry for Yuy, Heero; Results of cache retrieval from computer of Dorlian, Relena, formerly Peacecraft._

Recruitment of Duo's help in my investigative mission unsuccessful. This is probably the first incidence of Duo refusing a mission that has occurred in my association with him. Puzzling, since Duo has always done his duty to Earthsphere, and helped me out before.

Reconnoitering of V.F.M.'s Candidate will have to proceed as a solo mission. I discovered some interesting data when investigating Vice Foreign Minister's computer; it appears to be copies of performance reviews given by students from a university website. Some of the reviews are interesting; I have included the more pertinent ones for further analysis later.

_Grade Received: B_

_Comments: His explanations were really great, he was often available and personable, but his homework load is a little much. Lots of reading Not bad to look at either._

Research that I have prerformed indicates that this qualification ('Not bad to look at') is very important when dealing with the opposite sex. If this is true, I will have to assess Candidates attractiveness to the Vice Foreign Minister, perhaps by using some sort of double bind technique—pointing out attractive people around, and having her cooperate. Or something.

_Grade Received: A_

_Comments: He gave great projects and I really enjoyed every moment of his class. A very inspiring speaker. Plus he puts sexy librarians to shame-whoo whooo!._

It is uncertain what relevance, exactly, librarians have to being sexy, or attractive. Perhaps the relationship is correlative? It "doesn't make sense" as Duo would say. Further resource on this subject is obviously needed. However, his ability to inspire interest and attention in others is promising; this is a trait that would mesh well with the Vice Foreign Ministers life. The next review is troublesome, as it points to a potentially exclusionary characteristic of the Candidate; homosexuality would obviously negate his standing for Candidacy. Vice Foreign Minister has already had one disappointment on that score, when I would not comply with her demands for Mating. The current established relationship between us is sufficient.

_Grade Received: F_

_Comments: Dood thnk hez gay don't take._

Whether this reviewer is actually commenting on Candidates actual sexual preference, or is just trying to label the teacher as lame, uninteresting, or awful is immediately unknown. Further investigation and questioning will have to occur at scheduled face-to-face meeting before qualifications for Candidacy are discarded entirely. It could be that the student is not particularly intelligent as well, as most of he words are misspelled and badly punctuated.

Duo would say, "Wish me luck!" However, there is no particular probability that the mission will fail, so I will have to _ensure_ successful compliance with all mission parameters, despite the fact that my backup has refused the mission.

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***snickers helplessly* Review, Please!**

**Omigod. I just read this story that seriously had more review responses by the author than actual WRITING. Jeeeze, that pisses me off. I HATE that. And I'm not one to hate anything (the world has enough negativity) really. So, believe me when I say that I will NEVER do that in my fics, but yes, rest assured, I do read each and every response, and I LOVE getting them. It was a good fic, but ruined by the extreme nature of the "response to readers." Dude, if you're going to write a reply to everone, PM them, you nimrod! Don't include it in the body of your fic--that's not what F F .net is FOR. It even says that when you sign up. If you want to include them, GET YOUR OWN WEBSITE. GARRRRRRG. Can you tell it's a serious pet peeve? That's why I try not to write long author's notes before getting on with the actual ficcage. Except for this rant. Whew. Anyway, just thought I'd get that off my chest...**


	26. Chapter 26

**Post Heero-clusterfuck. Or as I prefer to call it, "SNAFU-ligans." ...Enjoy. Listen to: **_**Sing, Sing, Sing (with a swing)!**_** by Benny Goodman. **

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS  
**

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**

_Email from Duo Maxwell to Relena Dorlian, formerly Peacecraft; Encryption level Alpha 1. Retrieved from Sanq Spaceport archives before routine 76 hour deletion._

From: Dmaxwell15_ sanq spaceport . com

To: relena_Dorlian sanq . gov

RE: latest update/lowdown

Hey 'Lena-baby!

Checked my old email, and saw your note. Anyway, this is my new email for now. I'll also have one for Sanq U.

Soooo, here's the dirt: there will not be a wedding anytime soon. So yeah, cancel my registry at Henshaws A.S.A.P. Not that there ever WAS a freakin' wedding in the works. Blah. Or a freakin' registry. Except in Hilde's dreams.

Hilde's pretty pissed at me still. Guess she bitched out Hee-man when he called her trying to get a hold of me. I've been pretty incommunicado, I know. Busy setting up the new life, y'know? I'm a certified pilot/transport operator for a (mostly) new shuttle—based primarily outta Sanq Spaceport (as ya can see from the email there).

So, what's this about you having some new crush/squeeze/flame? Eh? Hee-man gone schitzo on you yet and given you everything but the condition of the guy's tonsils yet?? Heh. Need any... "help" deterring the "Man w/ a Mission" from going too overboard yet? Lemme know. I'll be happy to run some interference...Seriously.

'Cause you know he's already tried to recruit me for some weird-ass, harebrained scheme of his already. I hadn't like arrived for like even an hour or so, and Iron Man was popping up at my hatch at an ungodly hour of the morning (the one where unicorns, rainbows and leprechauns frolic—y'know, like butt-crack-o'dawn early). I was pretty tired from the flight in from Sweepers base, and not caffeinated enough to stand more masochism, so I booted him out and gave him the "hell NO" what-for. Man, he wouldn't give me the mission specs or anything. AND he didn't come bearing coffee. Forget bastardry, that's just DUMB...he knows me in the morning.

Hope he's not too pissed at me. Man, the dude punches you when he's not pissed at you, so I'd hate to hafta think what he'd do if he WAS. Did I mention again how glad I am that you finally got over your crush on the guy? Safer for all our sanity. And yeah, yeah, I know you're gonna say none of us Gundam boys are terribly on the right side of sane...and ...not that I've given _my little crush_ up, but hey.

Anyhoo, you're also talkin' to the newest acceptee for the Sanq University School of Engineering and Technical Sciences/nerd/dorkus. Oh yeah, I can smell the broken glasses and pocket-protectors from here man! Uhh, not that I need the glasses.

Hey, speakin' of glasses, you've got your sunglasses, right? Sounds like it's gonna be sunny and breezy in Cyprus this December. It may be a bit chilly too—at Q-ball's annual Pilot's Reunion. We'll see, eh? Oh, and I'm thinking that there will be mayhem at least one night—we've gotta get the guys out to a nightclub or something.

*Some* of us will have to be told it's a mission in infiltration though, I bet. What weird costume do you think we can get Quatre and Heero into? Trowa's not much of a challenge—man wears tights an' polka dots in the circus, for God's sake! Wufei'd probably have a hernia if we tried to get him into a muscle shirt...though we could just tell him it's a mission too??? 'Course, if he found out it wasn't, we'd have to listen to his bitchin' about INJUSTICE for the rest of the night.

On second thought, forget that—no fun at all!

Anyway, I'm packing up my skanky clubbing clothes—so make sure you've got something that I'll approve...maybe some Fuck-Me boots or something? We'll see. If nothing else, we'll sneak off and go shopping. Should be fun!

Ah, I'd better go. Got a lot more stuff to be getting done. Hope this update helps a bit!

Ciao!

-D

PS: How's Muffy? Watered him lately?

* * *

**Coming soon...Relena's reply! Ah, to be a poor, abused cactus. Hmm, I wonder if I've watered my cacti lately.... In the interim, please leave a more-than-one-sentence review! Isn't it cute how Duo calls his mad love obsession "my **_**little**_** crush"?? heehee**


	27. Chapter 27

**Hmm. Just read already, why don'tcha? Listen to: **_**The Lady is a Tramp**_** by Frank Sinatra.**

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS  
**

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**

_Email from Relena Dorlian to Duo Maxwell: Encryption level Alpha 1. Retrieved from Sanq government cache before deletion._

From: relena_dorlian sanq . gov

To: Dmaxwell15_ sanq spaceport . com

Dear Duo,

Great minds think alike. Leotards, strange clubbing costumes....let the games begin! Quatre has to be in something absolutely Shag-able. Or as that guy in that old movie you made me watch would say, "Shag-a-delic, baaaybeee." Yes, you HAVE corrupted me. Whee~! And the reason why? So that Trowa will be forced to make a move. Or do SOMETHING. Frankly, I'd just be satisfied with visible signs of drooling, or mooney eyes. That, and I'm sure you'll bring your "get a clue" two-by-four and help me out. Or else Doro will—I swear the girl is evil, sometimes, and the whole, "torture them until they get together" action-plan is right up her alley. Well, freeway, more like.

I have to hide the skanky clubbing clothes so no one suspects. You know, if you get one of the other pilots in on this, it'll be a conspiracy...which would probably help things run smoother. Should I just mail them there, with a "do not open, please place in Relena's Room" note on them? If I put them in my luggage, Heero'll go through them. I've got just the person to recruit. Except, we can't tell him who else is involved, otherwise it'll all go to hell. So maybe it's more like a splinter-cell operation, or something. Muahahaha. (And yes, I have been drinking too many lattes this morning, you can thank Doro for that. It's like I'm on crack!)

Um, will water Muffy right now. Uh, he's not dead yet, if you're wondering—just a bit dry....for a cactus.

As far as Heero goes, I don't know if he has a sexual bone in his body...pun intended. He could use the "get a clue" two-by-four as well, but I wouldn't want to scar him too badly. But I would want to distract him—maybe then he'd back off on my love life (or really, let's be honest, lack thereof). Maybe you could help me out there, since you're going to be around? Or even take over now-and-again for my security detail so I can get some sanity...um, I mean, time off. I know, I know, I should take more days off, water my cactus, take a load off. But I feel so damn GUILTY. OR responsible, or something, if I'm not out there, doing my best everyday to make stupid people get along. (And yes, you can quote me on that, but not in public, PLEASE).

Um, wow, you're going to be available for dorky adventures, right? I can drag you to museums and movie openings and we can make fun of things in snooty voices and then skip out early, right? Hey, my own personal engineering genius to advise me—I think I'm getting a great deal here, really. And you're free—mostly. Right? Muahahaha. Oops, there I go, cackling again.

Duo, did I mention that I really, really, realllllly need a vacation? Well, consider it done. Mentioned. Caput! Or maybe just a kidnapping to a nice, relaxing location....with lots of hot, brainy guys to look at. Eye candy, right?

Annnyway. Wow again! You said no to Heero? What happened—the sky fell and I didn't notice? I'm really with the times, aren't I? Yep, I've got sunblock, sunglasses, the works (you should see my packing list—you'd laugh). I bet he's not pissed at you—just confused. I mean, you practically followed him to Hell and back (more than me even in my "stalker" phase) and now, nothing. He's been pretty gloomy and brooding lately. That is, more than his usual silent psychopath routine. Something must be up. Or else he's planning the panty raid of the century...and you know how extremely unlikely THAT is.

So, anyway, have we given any thought to whom we're going to peer pressure into helping us with our nefarious plans? Let me know!

Love,

'Lena

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**Hoo boy. Can you say "gee, this seems rather nefarious."? Ah well, repeat after me: "Neh-FAIR-ee-US...Neh-FAIR-EE-USS!" Better yet, make it your new Mantra. It might even do you some good. Or, perhaps it's more of a "cunning plan."**


	28. Chapter 28

**Ohboy, more fun email communication... Listen to: **_**Leap Frog**_** by Les Brown and his Orchestra (it's swing)....**

**CAVE DRACONIS DORMIENS  
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_Email from Duo Maxwell to Relena Dorlian, formerly Peacecraft:_

To: relena_dorlian sanq . gov

From: Dmaxwell15_ sanq spaceport . com

Hey 'Lena-'Lena-bo-beena, banana-fanna-bo-baana!

Uhh, so, we're both agreed that Trowa is our targeted mule/infiltrator? ...Or were we not supposed to name names? Oh well. Shit, we should refer to him by the codename Pinko in case He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named intercepts our future communications. I believe you've already met Heerodemort?

Wow, you on coffee is an interesting thing to see. You on lots of coffee—what can I say, it's like a corrupt debutante on meth! Excellent and horrifyingly entertaining at the same time.

As far as skanky clothes, send them to me. No one will question me or Pinko having such infiltration "costume" elements...eheheh. Just the fact that nobody WOULD say anything about us having skanky female clothing in our stuff really says something about us versus the other guys. Namely, that Trowa really needs Q-man to fuck him. Like, HARD. Errrr, hehe, you never heard it from me. Me, I personally just prefer the feeling of women's undergarments.....just kidding!

Now, on another note; how in hell do you kill a CACTUS?!? Is that some sort of perverse talent? They teach you those alongside equestrianism, ballet and Epicureanism and all those other "accomplishments" that pervert human nature? Me, I think spitting and being able to grunt a whole conversation without 12-dollar words is pretty high up the evolutionary ladder, really.

Huh. Heero's bummed? Maybe get him a new vibrating dildo to get him all excited, and I'll just send him an email and see what's up. Or get Doro to send it. That'd be right up her ...freeway.... I never knew that I actually had an effect on the guy. Wow!

As for the rest...

Dorky adventures...check.

Security detail....SUPAH check.

Kidnapping....is the sky blue?

Snooty Criticism....check.

Snooty Voices....quite.

Panty Raid....whohooo!

Sending me your packing list...please do, I need a laugh.

Go-go boots, leotards, dog collars, fishnets and nipple clamps.....HELLFUCKING YEAH....I'm scared to think that we actually have any of that stuff. "Um, yes officer, I really need this to talk to that man there...yes, the one in the polka-dotted tights."

Emergency airlift of beleaguered cacti....if necessary. You are obviously not licensed to drive that cactus!

That's mostly it. I'd better go email Heerodemort. Classes start tomorrow afternoon. They're making me take fucking Engineering 160....bastards! At least I'll have time to catch up on my naps and crosswords.

Pip-pip, cheerio!

-D

PS: Have included a initial draft of my packing list for your perusal/entertainment:

3.5 packages cherry bombs

Pants

Fake toilet paper

Shaving cream

Brush

Hair bands

Suave detangler

Benjy's hair pomade ultra-sex

Socks (black)

Shirts (assorted obscene/offensive slogans) dark-colored

Boots!

Fuck-me boots!

Fuck-you boots!

Energy drinks (6-pack at least)

Laptop

Speakers

Surround woofer setup

Korn Cds

g-strings

thongs

4 packs of c4

your (whatever) skanky clothing

toothpicks

package of cigarettes unopened

toothbrush

cinnamon toothpaste (it doubles as an aphrodisiac)

leather jacket

assorted fuses and detonators

aftershave (man-attracting...with pheromones that smell like football!)

sunglasses

jar of peanut butter

saran wrap...toilet seats!

Lockpicks

Screwdriver set

Fake assorted vermin

razor

BubbleYum bubblegum

Stink and smoke bombs

Week-old carton of eggs

Deodorant

Whoopie! Cushion

Flashlight

(Ha—and they think I have all sorts of weapons in my black duffle!)

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**Muahaha. Review. It's that green funny-looking button down there.**


End file.
